TPO's Work Excuses


Please fell free to use any of the excuses listed below. And Employers, please stay out of here, unless you have something to add! We don't need you knowing how we came up with our latest excuse!

1. I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.

2. My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.

3. I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.

4. I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.

5. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.

6. I have a head ache.... # 22...actual times someone at work has called in with this excuse!

7. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.

8. I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

9. I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.

10. Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!

11. My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.

12. My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

13. My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.

14. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.

15. I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.

16. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .

17. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my but off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live of the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: Cookie18@SmartBot.NET Hooray! Freedom at Last!

18. Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!

19. Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!

20. I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!

21. A graphic artist I once knew told me of a person who called in and said his house had burned overnight. He was caught in the lie when word got out because co-workers took up a collection and the guy had to come clean when they gave it to him. He said it's just so much easier to say you've got diarrhea. They can't argue with that. (Imodium hadn't been invented yet.)

22. My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her.

23. A lady took a leave of absence to cavort with her boyfriend. The supervisor looked the other way when she said she had to go to Arizona to get her stuff out of storage. After her return, she transferred to the front office. When her paramour again desired her companionship for travel, she said her father had a stroke. She was quietly dismissed when the office manager called the mother to ask how the allegedly ailing father was doing and was told the truth.

24. Back in the olden days, female employees were not required to report their pregnancies, and she was one of the damnedably lucky ones that never showed. Her boss found out when she called to say she couldn't make it that day because she was in labor.

25. I wont be in today I ran into a car and need to go to the doctor's I cant find my shoes I cant find my Son!!! There is a good show on T.V. I need to donate blood today I'm Drunk I left rubber cement next to my bed why I was sleeping and got really High I fell on a flashlight " Butt First " My dog ate my car keys and went to sleep and when I woke up found my self in another state.

26. I won't be in today....I'm calling in dead.

27. Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.

28. Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.

29. Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.

30. Actually used (and believed) when I was working in Toronto. "You'll never believe it! I said with a straight face, I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks! Now, I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I continued. Now I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I said, I had to drive all the way down to the rail yards and (finally) drive out free at the barns. Just to top it off, I continued, I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. I took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I was late for work."

31. I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.

32. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

33. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

34. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

35. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

36. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

37. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet .

38. I had missed a lot of work and my boss made me promise I would not be late, but I woke that day to find my cat bleeding. The poor cat had a hole in its belly where an abscess had burst. I called the boss and she said, " Sure it does..." The vet was very accommodating and wrote me an official excuse, and it hung on the boss's bulletin board for a very long time. It read, "Please excuse Sheryl being late to work today. Her cat had a hole in it.

39. I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.

40. I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!

41. I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday. (actually used by a security guard)

42. I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

43. I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.

44. Actually used and they will know me but it was 15 yrs ago.... my roommates horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.

45. Yesterday I Caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!

46. A man I worked with once called in with... "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."

47. My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.

48. This really Happened to me, I was on my way in to work and fell down the back steps of my apartment and I had my cell phone I phoned my work to tell them I wouldn't be in because I fell and hurt my back and also asked them to phone my husband so he could come help me and take me to the hospital .

49. A SWAT team closed off a part of a street after a disgruntled ex-employee shot several people at a printing firm. A worker for a different a company called to report he couldn't finish his service route on that block that day (before the event was reported on the news) because there were snipers on the roof.

50. I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job

51. When I lived in Mesa, AZ, I was living in a 4-plex that wasn't exactly living in the best area of town (it was a little pocket of not-so-great neighborhood, actually). It shared a common parking area and driveway with the building behind us. I was working as an event planner for Motorola for the WORST boss... (She later was sued by Motorola and my former co-workers for creating a hostile workplace...heh heh) Anyway, one day I got up and got dressed for work, went out to my car, and immediately had to go back into the house to call in... Uh, Boss, I'm gonna be late today... there's about 30 police officers across the street, and I'm blocked in my driveway by a HAZMAT TRUCK!!! The Police had discovered that the tenants in the place directly across the street had built secret "tunnels" from one apartment to another, and the Police were in the process of busting the Meth Lab the tenants were running, it turns out... and there were about 15 police cars and 4 fire trucks in the way! If that's not a GOOD excuse, I don't know what is! *laugh*

52. This is the mother of all "calling in" excuses. The other day, I went to work. And one girl didn't even show up or even call. So the supervisor called her and she was still sleeping. She said that I forgot I had to work today ....I mean please. "

53. I needed a good excuse for missing work, and I have always felt that the more ridiculous (while still believable) the "reason" was the better. This is my favorite. Imagine me on the phone with my boss: I was playing fetch with my dog and the ball took a bad hop and broke a back window. When I went out to check out the damage, I stepped on a big piece of glass and cut my foot really bad. I had to go get stitches, and I don't think I can be on my feet a lot today. The trick to making this excuse stick -- I put a pebble in my shoe for the next couple of work days that I attended to remind me to walk gingerly due to my "stitches." It worked like a charm. Hell, it even got me some good sympathy -- stitches and a dog lover, who can resist that?

54. One of the guys in my department phoned at 11:30 on a Tuesday to explain why he hadn't come into work that week: " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .

55. I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

56. I got an excuse from the wife of one of my employees once -- he was fixing up an old school bus for them to see the world in. In order to fix it the way he wanted, he had to raise the height of the roof. This is what she said: Daniel won't be into work today. He fell off his sawhorse while cutting the roof off the bus. He landed on a pile of two by fours. It's ok tho, the saw wasn't hurt a bit. Believe me, that is only the beginning of the cake mix that Daniel went thru!!

57. Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.

58. My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away. Chicago January blizzards. She brought in pictures the next week.

59. Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!

60. Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.

61. There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders. (This one could be good for a few days).

62. My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.

63. Someone smashed in my windows this morning with a large blunt object.

64. (If you have a friend you want to skip work with) "At our potluck yesterday, there must have been something bad. I am so sick, I think I have food poisoning"....(a few moans for effect)... (then have your buddy call & do the same routine).

65. I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.

66. I slipped in the shower and torque my knee. I can't walk on it at all.

67. I have extremely bad diarrhea. I mean REALLY bad. I am stuck in the house for a LONNNNNNNG time. A *long* time.

68. True Story ---- A fellow employee showed up 2 1\2 hrs late because he couldn't open the trunk on his car so he drove to 3 different auto shops then on the way back from the 3rd his trunk popped open. The reason he needed to get in his trunk he had a tire low on air and wanted to change it.

69. This one was actually used by one of my employees. "Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom."

70. I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.

71. These aren't excuses. They're signs at Phil's Oyster Bar in Baton Rouge. One says " In case of death in the family, please call in before 11:AM on the day of the game! " The other says " New Employment Policy: Work or Get Fired! "

72. I'm calling in blind - just can't see myself working for you today...!

73. This one has worked for me every time I used it, but the only issue is not to use all the time. And now the excuse. I can't make in to work today, I ate bad sushi last night.

74. I will not be into work today because my parents dog died.

75. Someone dumped a truck-load of sand in front of my driveway and I won't be in today.

76. A friend I hadn't seen for years came round just as I was setting off for work, I couldn't leave could I?

77. I actually used this. It did happen. I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.

78. I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.

79. I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!

80. I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.

81. Employee....Sorry I didn't come to work yesterday. Boss....Why didn't you call off. Employee....I had to take my grandmother to the hospital and they didn't have a phone! A TRUE STORY

82. I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.

83. Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.

84. True Story .... A co-worker called in to work 2 hrs. late and said. I can't come to work today, sometime during the night, a reindeer broke it's leg and died, blocking my driveway, so I have to wait for the State Ranger to arrive and perform an investigation and remove the reindeer before I can get my car out of the garage.(this guy actually lives near the N.J. Shore Area). He also called in two weeks later with this one .... (five hours late for work, he called in and said). I'll be late for work today because the train had a flat tire and I had to help change it.

85. This is a phenomenally effective excuse, for reasons which escape me: "Sorry I'm late; I had to buy a lottery ticket." If someone points out that you are, in fact, several HOURS late, say "oh, yeah, there was a line."For some reason, no one ever questions you. If you are working some crap minimum wage job, "poverty" excuses are always good: "Sorry I'm late, I had to pawn my alarm clock." or more elaborate ones involving having the gas cut off and hypothermia, and the like. This will instill such a feeling of guilt in your boss that he may not even dock your pay for the several hours in which you were not, in fact, at work!

86. I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!

87. My name is Susan I live and work in Lexington, North Carolina. I work for a place called LampCrafters and my co-workers went out for lunch with some of her friends and smoked marijuana. After she returned from lunch another co-worker was teasing her and told her he had put a voodoo curse on her. She ran crying to the boss and said some one put a root?? on her and it had her head all messed up and she had to go home. Believe it or not it worked! (Oh this was suppose to be her first time smoking pot)

88. I called into work a few weeks ago and told my boss that the filling in my tooth had come out and I was in Excruciating pain and that I couldn't see a dentist till the end of the week!

89. I can't come in today because my daughter's asthma was really bad all night and I had to take her to the hospital for a treatment and I didn't get any sleep !

90. I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!

91. An employee who was a half hour late for work was asked (by me) why she was so late. She responded that it was Friday the 13th and she was afraid if she drove over 20 mph, she'd get in a wreck. Since she had to take a major four-lane highway to work, she was a little ticked off at me for doubting her word at driving 20 in a 55.

92. Actual employees record. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. This was only a few days of a 6 page list for two years of employment. 8/16 Sat. 8:15 Joe called and said he was sick and probably wont be in on Monday because he is so sick today. 8/17 I called Joe's house and His mom said he went out with his friend. 8/18-8/19-8/20 Joe still stayed out sick. 9/6 10:30 Joe called in sick. I asked why he did not call me earlier and he said he was sleeping. 10/13 Monday Joe did not show up at all. 10/18 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/20. 10/20 Mon. Joe showed up at 10:30 am. I spoke with him as to why he showed up later than he stated. He had no reason at all for being 1 1/2 hours late. 10/25 Sat. Joe asked to show up at 9:00 on Monday 10/27. I spoke with him in regards to not doing the same thing as the week before and he said that he would be in on time and he was sorry for being late. 10/27 Mon. Joe did not show up so I called him at 3:15 to find out where he was. Joe showed up at 3:30 p.m. with no excuse or remorse for being 6 1/2 hours late.

93. My boyfriend can't come to work, today. He's sick and has 111 degree temperature (hope you're going to the funeral, lady). Note: This really happened and the guy was fired. Gee! Wonder why?

94. My dad, Larry Taylor, won a radio contest in Seattle WA with this great excuse for not coming back to work from vacation... Don't call, don't write, don't let anyone know what's going on - take an extra week, or two. Then when you are ready to go back to work, just call up your boss and say.... " Don't pay the ransom - I escaped! "

95. I can not come to work today because I do not have any shoes.!!!

96. An employee phoned in at 9:00 am with the following. "My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."

97. I supervise a group of truck drivers who are paid by the hour. One of their tactics for getting more time is to give excuses for being late returning from a run. Flat tires and mechanical break-downs are too easily documented, so they often come up with excuses such as " there was an accident that closed the highway" or "the bridge at BigTown was open to let a barge pass." My favorite is: "I saw and alligator on the side of the road (we operate in Louisiana), and I stopped to help the game warden capture it."

98. I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.

99. I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.

100. I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!

101. My co-worker once called in this excuse to me and asked me to tell our supervisor. " I have ants." It was later explained that she had ants in her basement apartment and had to call an exterminator in.

102. I won't be into work today because my plane that was going to leave on Sunday didn't leave until today.

103. I work in a Medical office and have to open the place at 5:30 am. well, I overslept that morning (really overslept) and didn't get there until around 10:00 am. Well, the boss shows up at 8:00 am and I can imagine was wondering where I was for all this time. When he asked I replied..." I was here, you know how the copier is out again? Well, I was under the desk trying to fix it. I don't know how you couldn't see me, my legs were sticking out far enough to trip you." He replied," we'll have to call the repair man for that I cant have you under the desk for 4 hours!"

104. On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist.

105. I'm going to be 20 minutes late, but I'll be there. 2 Hours later. . . You'll never believe this, but I fell asleep. I'm on my way now. The next day . . . I never did wake up, now I'm not feeling well so I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe it was too much sleep!

106. I am going to be late because this morning the soul came off of my sons tennis shoe. I have to wait until the mall opens at 10:00 to buy him some more shoes. The Boss: Well can he wear another pair of shoes to school? ME: On what you pay me, he doesn't have another pair. The bank opens at 9:00 I have to go by there and take out a loan for the new shoes. Be there as soon as I can.

107. Late For Work.... I'll be a little late today. I washed my car yesterday and then parked it right away (and since this has happened before I should have remembered) but I set the parking brake and now one wheel is stuck. I would drive my wife's car, but the last time this happened, I just drove the car 'till the wheel broke free, but this time it stayed stuck and now my car is in the middle of the road, so I really need to fix it before I come in.

108. I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.

109. I can't come into work today, because the hot water tap broke on the bathtub.

110. The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.

111. I left the windows open in my room all night and when I woke up I had a stiff neck. I can't coming in today.

112. A friend of mine and her brother went to Florida for a week to see her ex. She called and said she was going to be a few days late because her brother was stung by a jellyfish...of course I started laughing. She says "really, there were 3 stings on that beach in 2 days..." and went on to embellish further. Finally I said "yeah right". There was a short pause, then she began laughing. "They bought it at work!" she replied.

113. I'll be in later today. I accidentally through away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag, away in the dumpster after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.

114. When I was an evening manager at a grocery store, I would receive a variety of excuses for tardiness or absences. My favorite was one that was called in by a sixteen-year old carryout. He called five minutes before his shift was supposed to start and said that he would be unable to work that night because his girlfriend's house had almost caught on fire the night before, and he was tired.

115. Work....I didn't want to be late for work again today so I called in sick instead!

116. This excuse has been used by myself several times. I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).

117. Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.

118. I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside more door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!

119. I'll be in a little late today. During the night the power must have gone off because when I woke up my alarm clock time was flashing. And of course I over slept.

120. My assistant called in with this one. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"

121. A girl I worked with called in with: "I wont be in today because my dog has a headache, and I need to take it to the vet.."

122. I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.

123. I can't come in today....I found a stray cat by my home this week-end and it has really bad diarrhea and I have to take it to the vets.

124. I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!

125. I can't come in today because I feel sick and I can't breath because of all the smoke in the air.

126. A girl that I used to work with said she couldn't get come to work because she'd been abducted over the weekend and needed to recover.

127. Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.

128. I'll be in late this morning. I have a possum in my backyard and it's freaking out my dog. I have to get it out before I can leave.

129. I'll be in late today because my cat is sick again. (This is the same person from excuse # 123)

130. I'm going to be late today. I was taking out the trash at my girlfriends apartment this morning when the bag ripped open and spilled garbage on my clothes. I'll have to go home and do my laundry because this was my last clean shirt.

131. True: from a workmate to our boss, who showed us the letter after the chap had left our employment. "Dear Ken, Sorry I was late again yesterday, I got your note, but what really happened, is, I was having porridge for my breakfast, when our pet budgie fell into it, I couldn't leave the poor thing like that! It took me over the hour to clean the porridge off Jenny."

132. Over the week-end my boyfriend and I ate raw oysters at a restaurant in Half Moon Bay, California and we both have food poisoning. My boyfriend had to go to the hospital because he was throwing up blood and I have extremely bad diarrhea! I won't be in for a few days.

133. "I'm not going to work today because if the government can sit on their behinds and get paid, so can I!! Who wants to work to support them anyways! Not I !!! I think I will sit on mine for awhile and make my own money with my favorite buddy, my computer!! Hail to technology!"

134. "I can't make it to work today, my keys are locked in my car, my car is locked in the garage, and my husband is away for the week with the key to the garage....Sorry..."

135. "I can't come to work today, my chain came off my bicycle."

136. My dog dug a hole through the wall trying to get to a rabbit under my trailer. I have to get it patched because the trailer is for sale and someone is coming to look at it tomorrow. This excuse was from one of my co-workers!!!

137. I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.

138. I was taking a shower and I drop the soap, as I reached down to pick it up ,I slipped an fell in the shower, which caused me to bust my lip ,twist my ankle, strain my back, stub my finger, and get soap in my eyes.

139. We have a horse and it has a habit of escaping, one morning I was running late as it was I leave my driveway, get on the road what do I see but the family horse trotting down the road. Well this is a stubborn horse and took me quite a while to get the horse back home. After this I called work and told them what had happen, the laughter was overwhelming, but I do think they believed me.

140. Friends of mine were performing in a band. They had a really important gig one Friday night. I knew this date and told my boss that I could not work late that night. Well me asked me that night to work late. I told him with a straight face. Sorry sir I have to go to a bar tonight and listen to some bad music.

141. Since some people still consider homosexuality a sickness it stands to reason that we can call into work "gay"...as in, I can't come in to work today, I'm gay.

142. I won't be in today....my hair wont start.

143. This excuse was called in by an employee one Friday morning where my stepfather was working about 20 years ago. " I won't be able to come in today. It seems that I have some unknown contagious disease; but I'll be fine on Monday". (true excuse)

144. I have to leave work early my kotex string broke.......I really used this one it works!

145. My husband called in work to tell them he couldn't find his cat and they took that excuse. We did find the cat though and my husband took the rest of the day off.

146. A work mate failed to turn up to work one day. Finally in the afternoon one of the managers rang him at home. He had only slept in until 10:00am but his clock had incorrectly displayed 5:00pm, too embarrassed to ring work he went back to sleep.

147. Over the years I have missed work or been late due to various illnesses, cars breaking down, sick horses and dogs, emergency babysitting, and even power outages causing the alarm clock to fail. My favorite story is the time my husband and I were late to work at a horse show where we were volunteering. We were over an hour late because the lock on the bathroom door in our hotel room broke, locking my husband inside! Everyone laughed when they thought it was a cute excuse. They laughed even more when they were persuaded it was true!

148. Late for work. Boss: Why are you late? Man I went to have my hair cut. Boss: What during works time? Man Well It grows during works time. Boss: Hey listen it doesn't all grow during works time! Man Well that's why I didn't have it all cut off!

149. This was actually used when I worked at Dairy Queen. I was out of town with my friend and we had a flat tire so I will not be able to come into work. Her friend that she claimed to be out of town with came though drive through within a hour.

150. A former coworker called in with this one: After a bad storm, her electricity was off. She called to tell us she couldn't come to work because she couldn't get her car out of the garage because she had an electric door opener and no electricity. She lived too far out to catch a ride with someone else.

151. I didn't come to work because I forgot to.

152. I'll be late because I'm having car trouble. The trouble is that I'm not in it yet. (I actually used this one day when I over slept...it worked.)

153. Miss an entire day of work, do not call in, do not do anything that is work-related, then when you go in to work the next day and are asked where you were, just simply say that you do not want to fucking talk about it. If you are pressed for an answer, just shake your head in disgust, and walk away. Remember to mumble all day, something about 'bitches and whores.

154. A Guy in our IT department was very late for work today because he said he couldn't get his garage door open, it took him two hours to dismantle it to get his car out!

155. My former supervisor once called in sick because she said she had a yeast infection! A few weeks later she called in sick again and said that she had hemorrhoids! (Actually happened)

156. I used this excuse and there's not a whole lot they can do. I called in and told them my front door fell off my house!

157. A friend of mine called into her work and told them she had amnesia and wasn't even sure if she worked there to be calling in sick.

158. I'm sorry that I'm late for work today boss. I stayed home to wait for the cable guy. Then I remembered that you don't pay me enough for me to have cable. So here I am.

159. Employee: Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't get my car started. Boss: Why not? Employee: I was asleep.

160. I can't come in to work today. When I woke up, I looked in the mirror and I saw a gray hair.

161. I can't come in today. I looked in the mirror and I saw wrinkles. Ugh!

162. I wont be in to work today, my cat hid my car key because he gets lonesome when I'm gone.

163. One of my employees called in last year with this excuse, and she was serious: I have a boil on the hair line of my pubic hair and it is sore.

164. I am a manager of a hardware store and I have heard the best ones !!! I once called an employee at noon who was supposed to be in at 8. He stated that he would not be in because the day before he was putting ladders away in the lumber department and he came down with hemorrhoids !!! Needless to say his pain in the ass is good for a lot of laughs !!!

165. I have a co-worker who had to miss work because she was breaking the ice in her freezer with a knife and hit the whatchamicallit (official name) that gives the freon to the freezer and her fridge was leaking freon. As this is a hazardous substance, she had to stay home and wait for the HazChem people to arrive.

166. Overheard @ a Taco Bell " I have to go home, my baby has worms...." (unknown what baby means, human or animal).... "My baby has worms coming out of her mouth".

167. We were late to work because we had to pull off the road to watch the whales while they were breaching.

168. I felt so sick that I didn't feel like getting out of bed to get to the telephone to call in sick.

169. I got my truck stuck in the car wash yesterday and messed up my back and cut my hands pushing it out, so I wont be in to work today I broke the straps on my prosthetic leg and I have a bad sore on my stump and cant walk.

170. The babysitter didn't show up today so I cant come in to work.

171. My radiator has a leak in it. (employee routinely drives more than one car)

172. I wont be in to work today my girlfriends husbands dieing and I have to be there to console her.

173. I'm sorry I was late for work, but when I was getting ready to brush my teeth I squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube and it took me a long time to get it all back in.

174. We had a girl call in with this excuse......"I can't come in to work as a skunk sprayed me last night!" Now how's that for an excuse?

175. The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.

176. (Monday Morning) I won't be in today, I was cleaning my shower yesterday morning, and the fumes from the cleaner made me a little nauseous. (Tuesday Morning) I won't be in today, I am still feeling a little nauseous, you know...the fumes. (Wednesday) I am just going to take the rest of the week off, those fumes were really strong.---Someone actually used this in my office.

177. I work for a company that makes and sells UPS systems for computers. We have a tech here who does not like her job and has pretty much used every excuse there is. Like, "I'm having menopausal hot flashes," and she's only 32 years old. The best came to us on a Tuesday, which happened to be the first day of the Consumer Electronic Show in Vegas. The bosses were gone. She comes in at 11:30, instead of 8:00 like she's supposed to and gives me the old "I-thought-it-was-Saturday!" HA! On a Tuesday?! I think NOT!

178. I was really horney last night and I had my thumb in my ass when I sneezed!! I clinched up so violently that I broke my thumb and will not be able to return to work for at least two weeks! OOOPS

179. I was trying to find an excuse for work in the morning. I work Friday, Saturday and Sunday 12 hours a day. My Boss knows I like to drink alot! I wanted to watch football on Sunday since I work Sunday during the day. But, I once I left a message he never got. So I might use it tonight. " Sam I just met this great Lady"....I'm single 40.... I knew he would understand." I think I'm going to get lucky....so I hope! I won't be at work in the morning!" He never got the message and I didn't get lucky, but I did get drunk and didn't get into trouble, even if he heard it!

180. Sorry for not coming into work yesterday. I had the making up for everyone else but me taking time off from work flu!

181. Sorry....I over slept and I forgot to come in for the first day of work at my new job. Is it OK to come in tomorrow?

182. I once told my boss that I had converted to Krishnaism and since it was the Maharishi Guru's birthday I couldn't come in because I had to go to the temple to worship. It worked.

183. I can't come in today because the lady at the end of the road has just hung her wash out to dry and I don't want to drive down the road, cause dust, and she'll have to do her wash again.

184. Man does not show up to work, the boss calls and he says where are you. The man says I'm sick and won't be in. The boss asks why didn't you call? The man replies that the squirrels ate through his phone line. The boss mentions that he was talking to him this minute on the phone. The man replies that the squirrel only ate through the outgoing line.

185. A girl at work who always seemed to miss work a lot came up with this good one. She lived with her parents and her parents were on vacation. She told the boss she had to leave early because her parents were out of town and the dogs, the cats, and the bird did not like to be left home alone. So, the boss let her go home.

186. This one is true! A co-worker called in and said her dog ate her underwear and she didn't have any clean ones to wear. She said she would be in after she did some laundry!

187. I cannot come into work today. I have nausea, dizziness, body aches and vomiting. These are secondary symptoms brought on by the birth of my child yesterday.

188. A co-worker of mine used all of these in the same month: I'm sick...My girlfriend is sick...My girlfriend is pregnant and I have to take her to the doctor...My car broke down (he has three)...It's too windy...There's too much snow on the ground (he has a four-wheel drive, and the co-worker who lived two blocks away didn't but still made it in. I had a co-worker at a beef plant who's paternal grandfather died in September three years in a row.

189. I won't be in until later. I'm on Hawaii time during the morning, so it's only 6a.m. In the afternoon I'll revert back to local time.

190. I won't be into work today, or anymore. I just got a letter saying that I may have won 20 million dollars.

191. I was late for work because the night before my boyfriend and I were having sex and he decided to handcuff me to the bedpost and he forgot to bring the key so I had to wait till he came back with it and it was late the next day he loved it ...I did for awhile...true lol my boss laughed and that was it.

192. I live in a major metropolitan area, and my co-workers and I take public transportation to work. Living in the north we get our fair share of winter storms and snow accumulation. One day it had snowed about 12" of snow and I and another coworker started out to work walking the three blocks to catch the bus and then after the bus dropped us off, walking another 10 blocks through all the snow to the store. Boy were we amazed when a co-worker, who lives two blocks from the store, called to say she could not make it in because there was too much snow and the sidewalks were not shoveled!!!!

193. I once told my secretary not to expect too much from me this morning as I was suffering from from a mild case of mushroom poisoning following a trip overseas. I had a remarkably easy day one!

194. The boss demanded I submit to him in writing the reason I had been late two days in a row. True story, and I didn't get fired. I had to walk to work, because my car has four flat tires. I couldn't leave my apartment until the landlord's son went to work, because I owe two months rent and I think he was the one who slashed my tires. He was late leaving. I tried to walk here as fast as I could, but my calves are still very sore from dancing this past weekend, and my shoes don't fit right. That's why I was late yesterday, too.

195. I went to Mexico last night with some friends and on the way back across the border we got detained by the police. They took us to the station and questioned us and kept us up all night, but they finally let us go in the morning.

196. One of my co-workers called in and said that she could not make it in because she had to take her nephew to the doctor. When she was asked shy she couldn't come in afterwards she said that he had cheap insurance and he had to go to a doctor that was in the ghetto and she'd be there all night.

197. My husband received this excuse from a young woman who had just started working for him when we had a cold spell in Charleston, SC. "My boy friend left the bedroom window open last night and it was too cold to get out of bed this morning."

198. I won't be in to work today. My brain is full.

199. I can't came in today as I was flying back from the Super Bowl and the door I thought led to the bathroom, was actually the exit door and I'm calling on my cell phone on my way down from 30,000 feet.

200. One day, a co-worker failed to show up at work. As the day progressed, people got increasingly concerned, as he never called in. Finally, around 2:30 or 3:00, someone called him to find out where he was and what had happened. His story: his toilet had exploded and he was waiting for a plumber!

201. I dropped my car keys in the snow and I'm waiting for the temperature to warm up so I can find them.

202. I'm sorry I am late, but it was foggy and I missed the building.

203. This is an actual excuse from a waitress. I have a bear in my freezer at home. If I don't get it to the taxidermist soon It will freezer-burn.

204. Actually used "I won't be in today coz my hair is still wet!"

205. I'm really sorry I don't think I can come in to work today. My dad parks on the street and there's a ditch in front of his house and when he went to jump it he missed, fell and thinks he has some broken ribs and I have to bring him to the hospital.

206. A lady I work with always calls in with various excuses. Last spring she called in for two days saying her landlord had beaten her up. She moved over the summer. A few weeks ago she called in for the same reason.

207. My co-workers and I like to laugh about the excuses this one woman always uses. One night, she had to go home early because she got an "emergency" phone call from her husband. He needed her to come home because their dog couldn't poop.

208. True excuse used by my Store Manager.....I fell in the shower and hit my head, there is a 10 foot snowdrift in our driveway (only snowed 10 inches) and we cant get the truck out (its a 4x4).

209. I'm calling in scared. I am "afraid" that I am not coming in today.

210. I'll be in late today. My dog is really sick and I have to take it to the Vet!

211. I'll be late today because I was out for my morning bike ride, and I was hit by a car. I'm in the emergency room right now. (But I did talk the Receptionist through how to do my morning tasks) I showed up in a cast, and crutches BEFORE NOON!)

212. An annoying little bimbo co-worker of mine has called in sick twice to say she could not come in because she had to counsel a friend who was going to commit suicide. (It was a different friend each time, gee could this have something to do with her personality?)

213. I lost my voice and can not teach today. (if you are a teacher, or need to talk for any reason at your job) Actually you can not call in sick, because you have no voice and need to take voice rest.

214. I have horrible gas and I don't want my work environment to be a fire hazard due to all of the methane gas that will be coming out of me. It would not be a productive work day for anyone.

215. I used to drive a truck for an agricultural firm. During harvest the hours were long. A driver got off early (he definitely didn't like the hours) by claiming he was so tired that he s**t his pants. We called him "pooper" after that.

216. On early call out for a military exercise, one of my colleagues used this excuse: I had to round up a group of Giraffes on the motorway (freeway) - apparently they had escaped from a local circus....... Yeah right!

217. One Friday afternoon a young, newly married Airman came up to me and asked for the afternoon off. He was famous for his excuses so I was compelled to at least hear him out. I asked him why he wanted off for the afternoon and he said, "this afternoon my wife is getting pregnant and I want to be there." Needless to say I let him go.

218. When I was pregnant, and only 3 weeks from my due date, I worked in a Dr's office. Friday our schedule was already booked solid for Monday, so as we were leaving, I joking told them that I would be calling in Monday to tell them I was in labor. Because of the schedule, my co-workers laughed and told me I had better be there or they would come get me. Well, Monday morning (early) I went into labor and had the baby 40 minutes before I should have been at work. I called my boss and told him I had the baby and wouldn't be in. The only problem was 2 other people had called in sick. I had the best excuse though.

219. From a 9 year old grand daughter. Grandma the reason mom has to work is you and grandpa won't give her money all the time.

220. I can't come to work today. My house is burning down and the fire engine's blocking my driveway.

221. For obvious reasons this is for Mondays only, "I won't be in today because I think it's still Sunday."

222. LATE FOR WORK EXCUSES: 1. I decided to take a short cut so I could get to work early but made a wrong turn.

2. I opened the door to leave the house and the damn dog got out! The gate in the yard was open and the damn dog ran through the neighborhood with me running after him. I finally caught him 2 blocks away from the house doing the poodle.

3. PENDOT (Pennsylvania Department of Transportation [road maintenance]) decided they didn't cause enough grief and created another road project to slow down the people that found their way around the other road repair routes.

4. TRAFFIC! It was unbelievable. (This person walks to work!)

223. I am sorry I'm late but my left hand blinker on my car is broke and I had to make right hand turns all the way here.

224. I had an excuse when I was working one time that even I had a hard time calling in with, but it was the truth.

I was all ready to leave for work, when all of a sudden a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances pulled onto my street. I was parked out front. I lived in an apartment across from lake Michigan. my car was blocked, I couldn't get out. I called my boss and told him I would be late because my car was blocked by emergency vehicles. I then went down to find out what was happening. As I got down to the ground floor, I found a fireman standing by his truck watching the others searching down by the water. I asked him what happened. He said someone called in saying there was a body floating in the water. This was after the beaches were closed for the season. Everyone assumed this body was dead. After waiting for about half an hour, the firemen casually packed up and started leaving. I asked the fireman, who gave me the original information, what happened. he said, the body got up and walked away. It was a swimmer, but the lake was so turbulent, someone saw this person and thought it was a dead body. Needless to say, when I arrived at the office, I was asked what happened. I had to tell the story, without cracking up. I figured if I laughed, they wouldn't believe me.

225. I'm sorry I can't come in today. I went swimming yesterday and my dentures fell out in the bottom of the pool, so I have to go to the dentist for new ones. (True story)

226. I am going to be late for work this morning because I took the time to read all 225 work excuses at this website. Doesn't matter...I'm the only employee and the boss is at work in another city. There's no phone there, either. We use our cell phones. Of course, if she reads this she may fire me, but that's okay...I'm retired anyway.

227. This really happened to me. I had to call into work and say that I was running late because the gate to my apartments wouldn't open and it was the only exit gate. Of course, my boss did not believe me.

228. As you know my cat died and I need the day off to have him cremated.

229. I took my new engagement ring off, put it on the counter, and believe that it fell into the garbage. So I need today off to search for the ring.

230. I packed my winter clothes in a garbage bag to be stored in the basement, and my husband through them out. I need to go look for them.

231. I picked up a cat on the way to work, and because of my allergies my eyes are all itchy and swollen so I can't come in.

232. I have "thrush" a disease of the tongue so I won't be into work today.

233. That noise that I had described to you? Well it turns out that I have a family of raccoons living in my wall. I have to wait for the exterminator so I won't be in to work.

234. I won't be making it in today because I have to meet with my child's Teacher.

235. I have to meet with my child's Guidance Counselor so I can't make it in today.

236. I have to meet with my child's Principal so I won't be in today.

237. I won't be in today because I have to meet with my child's Doctor, she's having monthly problems.

238. I have to go to my GRAND Childs Graduation from Nursery, Pre-K, Kindergarten, 6th grade, dancing, gymnastics....

239. I have to take my Child, Mother, Grandparent, to the Doctor, Lawyer, Dentist, Motor Vehicle Dept, Social Security Office, shopping....

240. I could not come to work because my truck would not turn left.

241. These are late excuses that I have used which are all true and my boss wrote them down every day that I was late.

1. A big dog was blocking the road. 2. I was stuck driving slow behind a backhoe. 3. I hate getting up in the morning. 4. I could not find my keys - they fell beside the bed. 5. I couldn't get gas last night because I got a flat tire while Christmas shopping so I had to get gas this morning. 6. I wanted to sleep as much as possible. 7. I hit every red light. 8. I had to find some stuff. 9. I hit a branch and it wedge in my mirror.

242. Sorry I won't be in today. My wife's going to get pregnant and I want to be there.

243. I was late today because I was reading late for work excuses on my computer and couldn't shut it down until I was finished.

244. We had an employee come into work at 7:00 a.m., then had to leave the jobsite at 9:45 because he shit his pants and would not be back into work that day. He quit the next day out of embarrassment. (True story)

245. Well, I can't come to work today because last night I was partying and I screwed at least 35 people. So my body is pretty worn out. Maybe I will be there tomorrow, unless I do it again tonight.

246. Sorry, I can't come to work today because last night I was awakened by the phone and some woman telling me my psychic's advisor's head just blew up and I should be warned.

247. True excuse: A woman in our office said a crow was attacking a baby rabbit in her backyard so she would not be coming to work. She had to stay home to protect the bunny from the crow. Honest to God, that is the excuse she used!

248. A teenaged guy called in for his girlfriend and told her supervisor that she wouldn't be in to work that day because her vagina hurt and he had to take her to the doctor. True story.

249. True story: Someone left some batteries on my porch steps, my porch light light was burnt out, slipped on them, twisted my ankle, and when I fell, broke two of my fingers.

250. I had to call in late as I was waiting for a taxi, my car had 2 flat tyres! The little Italian fella in my block of flats thought I was in his car park!! He did not even have a car, so he stuck a stake in the tyres, to teach me a lesson.

251. I cannot come in today as I have really bad stigmata and I think I may be a likely candidate for the second coming.

252. I cant come in today as I have an interview for a job I really want and cannot be bothered to lie, which shows you exactly how much I care about your stinking job anyway. (actually used)

253. I know its the third day I've called in sick, but seeing as you're being so damn sympathetic on the telephone I may as well make a holiday out of it...SUCKER! (actually thought)

254. I cant come in today as I have to go to Mozambique to do some relief work. I should have told you before that I work for the Red Cross relief in my spare time, but it didn't seem important at the time.

255. I can't come in today because I've just realized I actually save money if I stay at home. Apart from the bus fare, the prices in your canteen are outrageous and I always end up drinking at lunchtime to cope with the depression of working for you.

256. I am in today, but I'm feeling a bit low profile after sleeping with the boss yesterday, so don't be surprised if you don't see me.

257. My children are ill with the flu and I have to take them to the doctor.

258. I am the manager of a convenience store in a little town. We sell gas, grocery items and have a kitchen. One of the shifts is from 4-11 pm. On a Friday night (most busiest), an employee didn't show up or call in. His roommate, who also was an employee was called to find out where the missing employee was. He was supposed to be there at 7pm. The roomie said that he had left at 6pm to come to work. I fired him the next day. The next week I get a phone call at work from I'll call him Bill. He asked me if he was fired. I started laughing, and confirmed it. He had told me that he had been in jail all week in a state that was was 3 or 4 states away. He had the ticket to prove it, he just had gotten back and called. I told him to bring me in the ticket and we'd discuss it. Ten minutes later I came running out of my office screaming, I had realized on the day he had pulled a no call/no show that I had given him his paycheck only 7 hours earlier!!!! The other state was at least 6 hours away. So he either didn't plan on coming to work or he thought that he would get back in time. I then found out 3 days later that he had in fact been in jail for two hours the following day. He must of forgot like I did that I had given him his check, and I guess he had also forgot that he had to sign for his check. I haven't heard from him in a week.

259. My favorite excuse came from one of our laborers who live in his van on our construction site. When he didn't show up we spent the entire day knocking on his van door, calling his cell phone, worried he might be laying in there dead. He showed up the next morning, and told me "the whores kept him up all night and his knees hurt". Took me 3 weeks to find out our local police had a "sting" operating; he was watching from a concrete deck.

260. I can't make it to work for the next couple of days , my leg's in Kentucky. (He has an artificial leg)

261. After many years as a career consultant, I thought I had heard every excuse possible from employment applicants who missed their job interviews. Until one day I heard the "mother" of excuses for a missed appointment. I called an applicant and said, "Well, I just heard from the employer that you didn't make your job interview today. What happened?" Here's the reply: "My mother fell down the elevator shaft."

True? No idea. I couldn't bear to ask for details.

262. I worked as a corporate trainer for a large company for four years training their new co-workers. This excuse was left on my voice mail from a co-worker in his FIRST week of work about three hours after the class had started: I was out late last night and after the bars closed I came home and started to do the homework you gave me (just filling out some order forms for practice). So in order to stay up, I took some PILLS. Anyway I just woke up and I'm sorry I'm not going to be in today.

263. This is an actual excuse given on April 13, 2000 to go home early. After 1.5 hours at work an employee was pissed off and said he was going home because there was pidgins on his balcony and he had to tell his landlord right now. Not only did the lead hand let him go, but the boss picked him up 2 blocks away, talked to him and gave him a ride home. Now there's intelligence.

264. I can't come to work today because I have the brown bottle flu. (Actually used as an excuse)

265. I thought that I'd be more productive if I didn't come in today.

266. I'm going to be late today, my car battery died on the way to work and I had to wait for someone to give my car a jump start.

267. This was an excuse actually used on board my ship when I was in the Navy. "Sorry Chief, I was laying in my rack sound asleep and I was dreaming I was at home, well, I forgot I was in the Navy."

268. Can be used on January 8th any year...Call in to work and say you don't work on the King's birthday. (The King being Elvis)!!

269. Uh....Boss? Your not going to believe this, but the faucet on the side of the well house broke and water ran down and puddled around the tires. As you know, it was below freezing last night, and now my tires are frozen to the ground. And to make matters worse, my uncle punched a hole in the front driver side tire with the ice pick he was using to help me get the truck loose. I'll be in as soon as I get the truck loose and replace the tire.

270. I won't be in work today, I can't undo the knot in my shoelaces.

271. I won't be coming in today, my fish has respiratory problems.

272. I can't come to work, someone put acid (LSD) in my drink as a joke. Now I'm tripping.

273. IT snowed last night. Pow for now!!!!!

274. A coworker of mine called in because her 27 year old married daughter, who is a registered nurse, was sick & she had to take care of her. This same person also called in one time because her dog had a sore leg & she had to take it to the vet.

275. I actually used this. There was a severe thunderstorm one night, and hundreds of trees were knocked down. I headed to work the next morning, but kept having to turn around, no matter what road I took. "Hi, this is so and so, I can't come in to work today because all the roads are blocked by trees. I guess if I got a front loader and a chainsaw, I could move them out of the way. But by the time I did that, the shift would be over. So I won't be coming in.

276. Sorry I was late but there was a power cut and we couldn't get the car out because we have an electric garage door! It works and it's true!

277. I can't come in to work because I broke the key to my husbands car trying to unlock the door...no spare key available!!!.(true story)

278. I once worked with someone who called in VERY frequently. Here are two of his "gems". I can't come in today because: * I have a belly-button infection (and subsequent supposed same-day surgery). * The dog jumped on me and got me all dirty, so I had to take a shower. While shampooing, I ran out of water and had to rinse my hair with flavored club soda, and now I'm all sticky and my hair looks too bad to come to work.

279. I will not be in today because my power is cut off, I have no gas in my car and my telephone is cut off and my wife bounced $700 worth of bad checks.

280. I will not be into work today because all my clothes were stolen off my cloths line.

281. True story. A Registered Nurse working as our Staff Development Trainer went home early two different days, called in sick four days and was late to work three days because she had the "hiccups". Actually happened and she got paid for it because she was salaried.

282. I know I was supposed to be at work at 5pm, but I got out of school at 4 and by the time I showered, ate and went to visit my friend who is in the hospital it was 7pm. This was the excuse given by a boy who's mother works in our company home office in Arkansas.

283. I'm sorry I won't be in today. I have to rescue my friends and save the world (again).

284. I can't come to work today. My car's airbag deployed while I was driving. I think it was because I was going about 85 and abruptly hit a speed bump. there fore, I am semi paralyzed but the doctor said I should be better in a week or two.

285. Ok, this is really bad but I swear this is true. I was working when the girl who was already late for work called in saying she was going to be late. She had overslept, not feeling too well and asked if I could handle things on my own for a couple hours. About two hours later, she called in again and said she's not going to be able to make it till later this afternoon. Her excuse was that she had been at a party the night before and had too much to drink, so her boyfriend drove her home and now she doesn't know what he did with the car keys.

286. I won't be in to work today because my brother Ryan, my cousin Cam, and my best friend Lisa were all arrested yesterday and I have to go see a lawyer and take them some items to the jail.

287. This one is true: I was asleep many years ago when my phone rang at 6 in the morning. I answered it and someone that sounded familiar to me. But half asleep I could not recognize the voice. They said to me, "I will not be in to work today. On my way in I got into a car accident and am in the emergency room hurt pretty badly". I was very confused as I did not have any employees, and I was a teenager at the time. So after I told them this, I hung up and thought about it for awhile and realized the voice was one of my family members. She sounded very ill so I went and woke my mom. We called and got her mom out of bed who also was worried. We found her in her bed asleep. After checking all the local emergency rooms we later found out she was drunk and had accident and dialed my number.

288. One of my co-workers calls in with this excuse pretty often and gets away with it. She tells whoever happens to answer the phone to tell our boss that she wont be in today, because she is having a "dark day" and tell the boss not to bother calling because she is taking the phone off of the hook, closing the blinds and locking the door. She's gonna be in trouble if we ever change managers.

289. I really don't ever call off of work. But the old, I was coughing so hard my chest muscles hurt, so I took Nyquil at 4 am and slept till 2 in the afternoon is a good one. That really happened to me. And once, I didn't show up or call off, and when my boss called, I told her that I think I had shot my boys father, because I couldn't find the bullet hole in my walls or furniture, so I must have got him. (True Story)

290. I cant make it in to work today because I have the Hershey squirts...lol

291. As summer approached several workers in the office took days off to attend graduations for their family members...one guy (who had no kids or grandkids) also took a day off for a graduation. When asked who was graduating he answered , with a straight face, My dog is graduating from obedience school, and I have to be there!

292. TRUE excuse used by me in the past year. 1) My ride had a flat tire coming to pick me up from work and on the way home we got another flat. So we had to call for a ride because we had 2 flat tires. All the tire places were closed by the time we got a ride and so we have to replace the tire, get a ride to the car, and change the other flat tire and then get it fixed. 2) 6 months later... remember when we had 2 flat tires, well, we never got a new spare and now I have another flat tire and need to get it fixed. I ended up buying 6 new tires within 8 months due to punctures from gravel...

293. True story: Sorry I am late. My alarm went off and I hit the snooze and when I woke up (a couple hours later) I was cradling my alarm in my arms. This really happened twice! I ended up buying a different clock and putting it across the room. Fortunately I am the type of worker who always shows up early and works late so no one did anything other than tease me...

294. I was late because my dog died and I had to wait for the S.P.C.A. to pick her up.

295. My car has a flat tire....The employee lived 3 houses down from work....she thought a manager from another store was working that day.

296. I was working shift work and we would do a set of days, a set off and then a set of nights; well on the first day of a day set one of the employees did not show up so we called him and he said he forgot we were working days. Another time when he was late for a night shift we called him and he told us he over slept. Well the boss thought that was impossible and was making fun of this guy till the next night the boss overslept for the night shift.

297. I have a cold and don't think it best to spread my germs around. (with a fake cough and a sneeze and a sound of gagging, as in throwing up)

298. One year, a few days before Christmas, a girl I worked with called in to say that she couldn't come in to work because her grandpa got run over by a Greyhound bus. Playing on the radio at the time was "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."

299. I am behind in child support payments and X wife can not afford baby sitter today. So I must stay home and take care of my kid, and it worked better than I thought it would.

300. This one guy I worked with, who had over 30 years on the job, used to drink a bit and he used to call in with some novel excuse. One time he used this one:.."I can't come in to work today because the Martians landed in my back yard and I got radiation poisoning.." This guy even called in sick AFTER he retired. Another guy I worked with called in one time with Zambeesey (Zam-bee-see) crotch rot.

301. I actually had a girl call in that she could not come in to work because she had to stay home and help shell peas!!

302. We can't come to work because our house has gotten dirty.

303. Not one, but two of my employees called in and said that they had been out near the river fishing, and that they had been sprayed by a skunk, and that they would not be in. But the only problem was that another employee saw them both exiting a bar less than two hours later.

304. I was a supervisor for a fast food restaurant in the Chicago area and received a call from one of my "managers" at 2:00 AM one night informing me he would not be in for his shift at 9:00 AM the next morning "because he was in the hospital in a coma."

305. My cousin had worked in a nursing home for many years in the same one I worked in and one night he decided to skip. We do have bad weather in Maine but he called up to say that he could get to work because there was a tree a crossed the road. There sure was. Still standing a crossed the road but not in the road.

306. I can't come in today. When I got home from work yesterday, I received bad news of the death of a family member. To get over the shock I went to this bar downtown, and had a little to much to drink. I took a taxi at the end of the evening, feeling quiet intoxicated, with an upset stomach. I told the taxi driver that I had gas pains and he brought me to the greyhound station and put me on the bus to Gasbai. I am a little low on cash so I'm not sure when I will be in.

307. I was not able to report to work, newspaper delivery agent, on a rainy Friday morning because, a man drove his car into my living room.

308. I once used this excuse not to go to work one day because it had snowed: I can't come in today because I left my boots at work. My boss had a great laugh that day!!

309. My kitten was underfoot all the time. When getting ready to leave the house for work I stepped on something. Thinking it was my kitten I tried to immediately back up. Unknowingly my kitty had been playing in a bag of potatoes & I happened to be there to step on one. When I tried to get my foot off (my kitty) I slipped & fell down twisting my ankly & called work from the hospital. "I can't work today because I slipped on a potato & sprained my ankle." Stupid story, but true. Was on crutches for 2 weeks.

310. I won't be in because:

I have to take my dog to the vet.

My cat fell asleep on my keys and I didn't want to wake her up.

I have a class to go to.

I have a job interview.

My other boss needs me and the pay is better there anyway.

I have to bury my pet canary that just died.

The plumber was late.

311. "Sorry Sir I can't come in to work today. I have a roach in my ear and I have to go to the hospital to have it removed." While waiting at the hospital a woman came in with a roach in her ear. After removing the bug she asked the Doctor for an excuse for her boss at work. After a few questions we found out she had put the roach in her ear and used a Q-Tip to push it in to get out of work. This is a true story!

312. The reason I didn't come to work is that I spilled coffee on my dress, so I went to the closet and no other ties matched. So I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. So, I ran home because my car broke down, and all my clothes were at the dry cleaner. I ran back to the mall (I was very pooped out), and I found an outfit and bought it. I brought it home and it didn't fit. Realizing that it wouldn't be smart to go to work naked, I stayed home.

313. My Ex used to tell me this all the time. "Call Work and tell them I can't come in cause I slammed my balls in the dresser drawer."

314. I don't know if I'll be able to make it in today. The hamster is loose in the house somewhere and if I don't find it and put it back in it's cage before I leave, the cat will get it and the kids will be broken-hearted.

315. I wont be in work today because yesterday I threw out my knee and took my friend's medication for the pain. I had an allergic reaction to it and my entire body is broken out in hives, itches all over and my ears have swollen shut. So if you need me, I can be reached on my cellular because the volume is much louder.

316. My son really used this for being late. His shoe string broke. My sister worked with him and it was a big laugh. So all the employees after that used that excuse anytime they were late.

317. This was a fellow nurses' excuse for being 1 1/2 hr late for work. " The guinea pig that we've got that had cerebral palsy, died this morning and we had to bury it and have a funeral for the kids." We all still laugh about that six years later.

318. We live very close to Canada. One Saturday we went to Montreal for dinner. On the way back across the border I realized I had left my driver's license at home. The border patrol would not let me back into New York, so my fiancÚ had to leave me at a hotel while he drove the 3 hours back to our house and another 3 hours back to pick me up at the hotel. (True Story!! ) I was supposed to be at work on Sunday, called the boss and he believed me.

319. The street I live in is flooded due to the heavy rains and blocked drains not coping with the run off from high ground; the water level is too high for me to drive or walk through to make it to work.

320. Johnny was absent to work on Monday the 15th because it took him longer in the whore house than he thought it would.

321. I can't come to work today, I was brushing my dentures and dropped them on the floor and they broke in half. (actually happened to me)

322. This one really happened to me, and it work's. I took my car to an automatic car wash. During the night the door lock's froze, so Ill be unable to make it to work today.

323. I can't come in to work today. I went skydiving over the weekend and my chute didn't open.

324. Once on my way to a crappy convenience store job, my car caught on fire! (TRUE!) When I called in to tell them I could not make it in, they offered to come and pick me up and bring me into work, and I could get my car later! I ended up quitting that job!

325. I was late for work one day because I had let our dog out in the morning while preparing for work, and when I went to let her in, she had shredded the garbage all over our lawn, and in our neighborhood, you cannot leave that or you are fined. Imagine the laughter I faced from my coworkers when I made it to work that day!

326. I had to call in sick one day because my husband accidentally slammed our cat in the door on his way to work, and she had taken off so I had to find her to bring her to the vet! (She was fine!)

327. This is a true story! While attending college, I was also working 2 jobs, one late at night and one on the days I did not have school. Needless to say I was VERY tired, and one morning when I was supposed to work, I overslept. For some reason, though, I knew that I should have been at work because when the boss called, I could not figure out why, you see, I had dreamed that I had called her and told her I was sick! She laughed, and I got a stern lecture, but I was not fired. TRUE STORY!!

328. A pregnant woman: "I can't come to work the rest of the day. I have morning sickness. Maybe it will last the rest of the week!!"

329. Reason for not going to work. I have lost my American Express Card and I cannot leave home without it.

330. I didn't want to go to work for my afternoon shift and it had been raining. My car had been in the shop for a few days and I had been using my friends brand new car. I called and said that I had been on the way to take that friend to his job but on the way I got in an accident and ran into a ditch. Not only that, my friend was also carrying a vial of LSD and it spilled on us when we were in the accident I was now feeling funny and my friend was tripping so neither one of us could go to work. My manager believed this cuz I was supposed to give him some when I got to work!!

331. I can't come to work today, the house across the street from me was on fire and now I can't take a shower cause the water is all dirty. This one is actually true, my neighbor and I both work at the same job, we both called off that day! It helps if the fire is on the news though...lol

332. I'm sorry I came to work late. I would have been on time, but I picked up a hitch-hiker on the way and he didn't want to be dropped off in the middle of the city (Richmond, VA), so I had to drive way out of my way to leave him at a truck stop. [The supervisor cracked up and asked me if I was SURE I wanted that excuse to go on the record -- but it was true!!]

333. I had to apologize for coming back from my lunch break an hour late because I wasn't used to that part of the city and I got totally lost trying to come back from the Taco Bell when I had to detour around some St. Patrick's Day parade. When asked why I didn't consult a map, I had to admit that mine had holes on all the creases, which blotted out the street where my job was located. Well, jeez, things like this wouldn't happen if they didn't make me work holidays.......

334. I won't be coming into work today, there is a cat in my drive way and I can't get the car out of the garage.

335. I'll be late today, I'm spending a "quality" breakfast with my children.

336. I won't be in today, I have a flat tire. (it was the 5th flat that month)

337. Sorry, but the electricity has been out since 4:00 this morning and I can't blow dry my hair.

338. Sorry I'm late, but I hit a mud puddle and I had to wait until the car wash opened.

339. To the equestrian lover in all of us, this unfortunately, REALLY happened to me: "Hello 'boss', I have to take a sick day today, a horse stepped on my foot last night; its numb, is as big as a balloon, I can't get ANY shoes on, and I have to go get an x-ray to see if its broken!" (I've never lived this one down)

340. I can't come to work today because my father is dying on Friday.

341. I can't come to work today because my father did not die on Friday, he's waiting until Monday.

342. I was a Lieutenant in the navy and I had a Chief Petty Officer that was an exceptional leader, but like the bottle. He used to call in and tell me that he had had a tooth removed and would not be in the following day. four years later he sobered up. As his six months of came he evidently began to feel some guilt for all of the dental visits. He came to my office and apologized, and explained that he was an alcoholic. I responded with: I was glad to hear that he was an alcoholic, because I had never heard of anyone with 71 teeth. (TRUE STORY)

343. I work at a grocery store, one of my employees called in on Super Bowl Sunday and said, "I accidentally drank a six pack, and don't want to drive to work" Of course, I let her take the day off. I would have felt guilty to be part of yet ANOTHER accident.

344. I am sorry I can't come to work anymore. My psychic told me this job sucks.

345. This excuse was really used by a co-worker. He called in he said he was calling to see if we were busy. While I was on the phone with him he said "Whoa did you hear that?" I said what. He said, "Lightning just came through the phone and knocked me across the living room into a pile of beer bottles! I guess I won't be in today." This was on a sunny day and he had no burn marks on his ear and the phone kept working.

346. When I used to do shift work I was constantly late. So my boss was fed up and said if you are ever late again just don't bother turning up for work. (that was an idol threat) The next day was a Friday and I was at a party the night before and I ended up sleeping in. So I didn't ring or didn't even bother turning up for work. My next roster day was a Sunday and I didn't show up then either. Sunday afternoon I got a phone call from my boss asking me where I was and I told him that I thought I was fired. To the amusement of my workmates I started back on Monday morning with no problems and a nice long weekend behind me. :-)

347. I can't come in to work today cause while I was washing the dishes I cut my finger and when I bent down to get a Band-Aid out of the cabinet I wrenched my back, fell twisted my ankle and busted my lip.

348. A fellow worker got married and took a week off for his honeymoon and was due in on a Sunday night, He didn't show up until Tuesday saying he was at the airport getting ready to leave Saturday night and his plane got a flat. Also a few months ago after talking all week about trying to find a way to bring a TV into work to watch the super bowl. No Call No Show on the night of the super bowl that it had snowed so bad he couldn't make it to work. Even though he had a 4X4 and I made it to work twice as far away with a 84 Trans Am.

349. Sorry but I cant make it in today because I just don't FEEL like it!!!!!!

350. I ran into a cactus and had to go under extensive surgery to remove all the thorns so I couldn't make it in.

351. I lost my keys so I can't come to work.

352. I woke up late, and I broke the lens of my glasses, so I won't be coming into work.

353. I'm hung over... again!

354. Here's one a girl where I work used a FEW times in one month, "I have bad cramps.

356. I was working for a casino on the graveyard shift in the coin room and Albert didn't show up for work and wouldn't answer the phone. The next day the boss asked him why he didn't come in or call into work? Albert's reply...."My eyes wouldn't open." True story. The boss had never heard that excuse and laughed so hard that he didn't reprimand him.

357. I was on the way to work, feeling a little run-down, when all off a sudden, I sneezed with my eye's open trying to watch the car in front. Instead, I could see the apple crumble & custard on my shirt I had last night, after tea. Got rushed to Hospital, where they placed my eyes back into their sockets, then sent me home in a Taxi wearing patches. I will be off for 4 weeks at least, my mum will send in the sick note when I'm able to see her.

358. We have a guy that any vacation time just burns a hole in his pocket. We have a list of 130 reason he has used. Some of them are: Ants in his house.

I am having my house painted by members of my church and I have to watch the paint dry.

I just bought a new bed and have to try it out.

Kid had a bomb at school.

Kid had a bodily discharge.

Not that kind of time off.

Someone coughed on him and made him sick.

Taking his mother-in-law on a picnic.

Had a bill to pay.

359. We have a guy that every year uses up 4 weeks vacation before May. Earlier this year he used a week up because his foot had a rash and he couldn't wear socks.

360. We had just gone through the hiring process and had hired this new employee. She called in on her second day and said that she wouldn't be able to work here due to the seating arrangements. (We work in cubicles). Thinking that there was more to the story than this, we asked our boss later that afternoon after she had actually spoken with this person. She really couldn't handle the cubicle, even when she was offered a different one. Trouble is, she was given a tour of the office prior to accepting the job !(TRUE STORY!!)

361. This really happened to me. On the way to work, a drive of 40 miles, the front driver side wheel came off my truck. Even though I was doing 70 m.p.h. I was able to maintain control. I managed to get side of the road. A small flat spot was rubbed into the rotor. I could not find my wheel and my spare was flat. I hitched a ride to the nearest town, couldn't find # to call in to work. no garages were open and I was worried about my tools and CD's left in the truck. Walking the several miles back on the opposite side of the four lane interstate I found my wheel. Two of the lugs were still in the hubcap. I jacked up the truck, used a file to smooth the rough edges off the rotor, stole one lug from each of the other wheels, and went on into work three hours late. I don't think my boss believed me.

362. 'Sorry I can't come in for work today, I can't find my glasses and therefore I can't see. I need them in order to find them!'

363. I thought Columbus Day was a work holiday.

364. True story: "I can't get my car out of the parking area because I think one of my neighbors put glue in the lock on our gate and it won't open." I used to live in a 4-plex building where only half the tenants were allowed to park in a gated, locked area. I was among the lucky ones. One morning I came out to go to work and found the padlock on the gate had been sabotaged by being filled with some sort of glue, which I believe was done by a neighbor, jealous because he couldn't park in there too. It took over an hour to get the gate open, even an electric hacksaw wouldn't cut through the lock and we ended up having to cut part of the metal supporting the holes the lock went through to open the gate. That lock is probably still hanging there today! My boss bought the story and even empathized.

365. True story but I'm sorry I asked: one of my co-workers told me she was late because "My car is in the shop and my boyfriend was taking me to work this morning. He was sick and we stopped at a McDonalds. I had to wait there for an hour while he was sick in the bathroom!"

366. Diarrhea, no questions asked, never fails!

367. I can't come in to work today because I can't pee.

368. Ok, here's the deal, I got home around 10:30pm and decided to sleep early for work the next morning, at around 2:00am I woke up [sleepwalking and naked as usual] and drank a whole gallon of orange juice and to my dismay I could not urinate, I tried everything mediation, shower, running water and even some other highly unusual methods which should remain nameless and I stayed up near the toilet until 5:47am, the sun was up and I had to be in at work by 9:00am, I called up and gave them no reason, but the next day I explained myself fully and this is the reason why I am I writing this to you, my friend Nicole thought it would be a worthy excuse for your site!

369. The first time this was used by myself it was genuine. The latter times, I used it because I thought it was a cool excuse: "Sorry, we put the clocks forward instead of back last night, and I woke up two hours late."

370. I won't be into work tomorrow... I took apart my carburetor and can't get it back together.

371. I left work during lunch and decided to take the rest of the day off. I called in at the end of the day to say that I had been arrested, and I'll be in tomorrow.

372. I'm running three hours late because I woke up watching the west coast feed of NBC... I thought I woke up extra early!

373. I thought it was 6am, but it turned out to be 8am... one of the LED lights was out!

374. I woke up extra late... it was my first time experiencing sleeping pills.

375. Some neighborhood prankster chained my car to a tree.

376. I knocked over my neighbor's mailbox. I'm scared of my neighbor. I need to stay home and fix it somehow.

377. I was absent yesterday because I was passing a kidney stone, and I didn't give a squat about calling in to work. (great pain, pee was purple {yellow and red make purple}, took some muscle relaxants...)

378. I ate a bag of those fake-fat potato chips, and now something is oozing from my butt.

379. I hurt myself having sex this morning... I won't be in until the pain goes away.

380. I can't come to work today because I am getting mono.

381. Hello, I am writing this one because I called in sick today. Sorry, I can't come to work today because I think I am pregnant and I have to wait until my boyfriend gets off work so we will have money to go get a pregnancy test. And one that my mom used when she got married for the third time...Sorry, I am going to have to quit working for a while, I am going to Mexico to marry my boyfriend and we aren't going to be back until after we finish building our house...Loves ya, Rainey70

382. We had a contractor working for us once who lived quite a distance away (for the UK!) and was usually late in because of traffic problems. However, one day he phoned in at about 11:00 AM to tell us that he would not be in at all because his only pair of trousers were in the washing machine and it would not open!

383. I am sorry I was late for work today, I would have been in earlier but I was asleep.

384. I am going to call in work today for the next 2 days. Excuse: My uncle came down from Baltimore yesterday, and my mom and sister got into a huge argument, my sister decided she's going back to live with my Uncle, and they are leaving today. I have to follow behind them in my car with the rest of her things. Since it's such a long drive, I am just going to stay the night to avoid the risk of an accident.

385. When I was eighteen (I'm 43 now and don't drink anymore), I had to work the graveyard shift. I was at my favorite night club and half smashed. I called my job, from the club, loud music and all, and told my boss I wouldn't be in that night because I was sick. Believe it or not, I didn't get fired.

386. 386. I can't come in because my boiler is broken and I can't shower and my stink is starting to offend even me so I won't make you all repulsed...I'll stay at home today.

387. I'm not late, your just early!

388. This is, sadly, a true story: I was a delivery driver in Charlotte, North Carolina. I lived about 17 miles from the store I worked at and I had several cats as pets. Well, I was running real close, if I drove really fast I could've made it there on time. Well, I got about a half mile from the store when I heard a howl coming from the back of my mustang. I pulled over and looked and I'll be damned, the stupid cat had fallen asleep in the hatchback of my car (in the sun) So I had to drive all the way back home to bring the cat back to the house. I was almost 2 hours late, because I was supposed to be to work for 4:30 and now I hit rush hour traffic and it took me an hour to fight traffic to the office. My boss just looked at me and shook his head.

389. True story: I was working as a delivery driver (me again, I used a million there), and I was at work when my boyfriend called me and proposed to me. I said yes, of course, and he asked me to elope with him the next day. I turned around, looked at my boss and said," I won't be coming in to work tomorrow, or the rest of the week, as I will be getting married and going on my honeymoon" I actually had to bring him the marriage certificate after the wedding before he would let me have the weekend off without being fired!!!! LOL.

390. I will not be to work today as I have a headache and do not want to give it to anyone else.

391. I'm sorry I was late. The dog shit on the stairs. 'why did this make you late?' Have you ever had dog shit between your toes at 5 am in the morning?

392. I'm sorry I'm late. Someone stole my windscreen.

393. I worked at a treat store, popcorn and other treats, and I had a horrible sore throat. I called off work and my boyfriend asked me to go to the beach. We did and who do I see but the manager of the store....oops....I really was sick! I just wanted to kick back at the beach. (true story)

394. I called off work due to getting prescribed a new medicine and it made me very groggy (true story)...I got teased about that but it was true.

395. I called off work, my husband has used this too, because I had to run to the hospital. My husband's daughter was having a bad diabetic reaction. This really did happen, but I've used it more than once...it works great...no questions asked)

396. My husband and I were having a rough time financially and we couldn't afford to pay our car insurance. Our lender that we bought the vehicle from got wind of it and took our van until we got coverage. I had to call off work and didn't want to face the embarrassment so I said my husband's daughter is in the hospital and we've got to run.

397. My husband and I went to the Twin Cities to pick up a friend of ours that was flying in from Texas. His flight was late and it was very very late by the time it came in. I was supposed to work the next afternoon and we were all exhausted and we were about 3.5 hours from home. I called in to say our van's computer "brain" went out and we have to wait to have it repaired. It worked like a charm, no questions asked. This one is excellent if you're nowhere near home, just make sure you own a newer vehicle that has computer components!

398. My husband had to go to court and it was a rough time. His ex was there and it was a trying ordeal. Instead of busting my ass and running into work I said my husband fell down the stairs and I had to take him to the doctor. He already has a broken hip he's recovering from so it worked like a charm, no questions asked.

399. I once lived in a rough neighborhood in Southern Cal. I went to get into my car and the window was smashed out and my front wheels were GONE! Not just tires but the whole wheels were gone and my cheap stereo was ripped out of the dash. I had to call into work and tell them what happened. (true story) The cops came and did a report and said that I should move, also true, I did!

400. I would love to use this one....I can't come in right now because my husband is having his annual erection and I don't want to miss it.....lol!

401. I would also love to use this one....I can't come into work right now because I'm busy makin whoopee!

402. I won't be in to work today, because my liver isn't up to speed yet due to last weekend.

403. A guy I work with actually called in and said, " I'm sorry I can't make it in today. Somebody spiked my drink last night"

404. One of the better excuses I have ever used, came to me one day when I showed up to work 6 hours late without calling in. I told my boss that, "this morning I woke up only to find the 1st and 2nd floors of my house soaked and with puddles of water everywhere. There was no way I could come into work until I contacted the plumber, waited for him to come over, and started to clean up the mess. Then to top it all off I had to take another shower and find more clean clothes." When my boss asked me what had happened? I told him that one of the water pipes had snapped out of its socket and the water all night had dripped down through the walls and the ceiling for what looked like 3 hours or so. To top it all off he gave me the next 2 days off from work to deal with the problem and get my house into order. THAT WAS A GREAT 4 DAY WEEKEND!

405. A guy that worked the evening shift thought he would try the "honest" approach called in a said, "my brother is coming to town and we're probably going out and getting drunk."

406. I can't come in today because while I was writing a list of possible excuses I could use to not come in, I got a writer's cramp around #98!

407. I can't come to work today, my dog gave birth to kittens!

408. Late for work a lot, Sir I have lime disease.

409. Late for work again. I crashed the car. The car was complete with a small dent that I got pulled out for free, and a bruise , punch for punch, with my brother.

410. Sorry, I will not be in to work today. My car wanted to take an early morning swim and I'm still pulling seaweed out of my hair. True story.. I live in an area were there are a ton of lakes. One morning running a little late, and driving to fast, I came around a curve, and lost control of my car and ended up in the lake upside down. My co-workers never did let me live it down, and my boss did not believe me until I had my father call and explain what happened.

411. Here are two excuses, used at different times, by one of my co-workers:

# 1 via telephone: "I won't be in today because my roommate came home last night with head lice."

# 2 via email: "I'm not feeling good today. I came in today to try to stay but I have really bad craps and there killing me, I would really like to go home and lye down. Is there anyway that I can go home?" [She actually meant 'cramps' but the 'm' got lost.]

412. A Co-worker once called in with this excuse: "There is a really, really big mean dog outside my house and I have to wait for animal control to come and take the dog away!" She didn't come in at all that day!

413. I have a friend who told our boss that he needed to leave work because his uncle was dying and he needed to beat his cousin to the power tools.

414. I work in a large factory and there was a group of women that were friends and also had a friend that didn't work in our plant. One day the friend , who didn't work there, called in and said her sons girlfriend had died from a drug overdose. So the other 3 left work, and were spotted at the mall.

415. I was sick yesterday but I still came in to work. But I'm feeling better today so I'm calling in sick.

416. This really happened where I work. A female worker called in and said her water bed exploded and she needed to wash the sheets before she slept on them. (She works the third shift)

417. I live in Florida. I had to call in from work one Monday because there was a four foot alligator in my driveway! True story!

418. I was ridding the world of evil spirits- and ya know how late they stay up! Man I got like three minutes of sleep.... and this one really big thang stunk so bad that my nose doesn't work any more and the nasal passages have backed up into my brain- I might have a stroke if I think too hard!

419. I was in the Navy and in Seattle for a ship show, a fellow sailor was late for returning to the ship one morning. His excused was his rental car went through a puddle of water and the water must have gotten into the engine and stalled it out. He had to call the rental company and get a new car. That is why he was 1 1/2 hours late. The very next day he was 2 hours late, and the excuse was, someone in front of his car slammed on the brakes so he slammed on his brakes but then he couldn't get the brakes to disengage so he had to call the rental car company and get another new car. No action was ever taken because of his originality. ( I figure being in the Navy is considered work. Madtbone )

420. As a working single mother of two I rarely took a day off for myself. Saying my kids were ill was not excusable because they knew I had a childcare who would take care of them. Finally one day, out of exhaustion, I called in and said "My kids had lice and I had to treat them and fumigate the house. It worked, my boss felt sorry for me and gave me the day off with no problem. I spent a delightful day at the beach.

421. This is a real one! A girl at work called in one morning , 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there, and said. "I can't come in...I forgot that I have to go to Disney World today."

422. I would have been on time for work today, if I hadn't gotten in front of that State Trooper, I couldn't go over the speed limit!

423. My buddy Leon swears a guy where he works used this one. Seems new policy was put in effect that no longer could you just call in sick, you had to have a reason for not coming in. His buddy called and told his boss he wasn't coming in that day, when his boss asked his reason for missing work? His reply was...Vaginal Dryness!!!!

424. Sorry I'm late, I've just had to comfort an old friend who's husband has recently died from cancer. She broke down in front of me what was I to do?

425. I can't come in today, my son found the gun.

426. Use on when your vacation ends on May 1, July 1, October 1, December 1 and want to take an extra day off. I thought (previous month: April, June, September, November) had 31 days!

427. An employee of mine was late for work one morning and hadn't called, he had no phone so I couldn't call him. Upon arrival, when asked why he was late he said that he had to walk to work, but wasn't as late since he "found" a bicycle on his way in. This actually happened twice, only several years apart and two different employees.

428. I couldn't come into work yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me and I needed to move my stuff out.

429. One day it was raining really hard and this girl I used to work with actually called in and said that a tree had fallen down on her street and she couldn't get to work. (She lives in Queens six blocks from the subway)

430. I had about 3 hours before I had to be to work. I was on the interstate heading for a haircut appointment. Traffic stopped completely due to construction. I was rammed from behind and immediately had neck and back pain. I grabbed my cell, called my employer, and said "I am currently sitting in my car on I-5 and was just rear-ended. I am having neck and back pain and wont know anymore till I call 911 and get my ass to the hospital. I will be in if I'm allowed to walk again." I then called 911 and reported the accident. After an ambulance ride and a series of x-rays, I actually made it to work right on time.

431. Sorry boss I'll be late for 2 hours. When I woke up this morning and my lady was making tea in her new silk pajamas, the call of nature became to strong for me!

432. Hi, I'm going to be late. I was talking to my mother. (used this excuse twice in one week)

433. Actually used: I can only work a couple of hours today because lightning struck the utility pole during the storm last night near my house and power is out. I couldn't take a shower, so I have to leave early because I can't work if I don't shower. This was after this person told one of the colleagues the day before she would leave early the next day.

434. Sorry I can't make it in today. I have intestinal problems.

435. I had worked for a temp agency and I was supposed to have an assignment to do. I had gone out drinking all night and I stayed out at my new boyfriends house and he didn't have a phone he had just moved in. I stayed there all day and didn't call in, so when I got home I called and said I was on my way home the night before, and had gotten pulled over. I said I had warrants and went to jail and that is why I didn't call in cause I couldn't. :)

436. I actually showed up once for work 2 hours late. When asked why I was late I said to my manager, it was cold outside and my bed was warm, so I got back in. Yes, I still have the same job too. :)

437. I am a foreman where I work. I had an employee that had been bragging about finally getting a phone. He missed two days in a row and when I asked why he didn't call, he said he didn't know the phone number.

438. I can't come in to work today, we went shopping yesterday, I left my purse in the truck, my husband went fishing took his truck and my car keys are in my purse, no spare keys, and he is the middle of the lake with no phone or anyway to get a hold of him. This actually happened.

439. I called in sick one day, and told my boss this story: Last night I was outside in my yard, I saw this strange black thing on the ground, so I bent down to pick it up. Well it bit me. I captured it in a mayonnaise jar and it turned out to be a fruit bat. Of course I had to take it and myself to the hospital to make sure it didn't have rabies. Thank goodness it didn't. So I should be in tomorrow, or the next day. ( a bat actually did bit my brother months before, which gave me the idea) I wrapped my hand up a little and went to work a few days later. Of course everyone believed it, it was so outrageous.

440. I can't come to work today because I've got really bad shits and we've run out of toilet paper.

441. I will be late as there is a man laying in front of my door and I'm not sure if he is dead or not, so I'm waiting for the police to come.

442. Really used by coworker! I will be late for work because I have locked my keys in my running car in the middle of the intersection.

443. I am constipated from the food my boyfriend cooked me last night.

444. I called in to work saying I wouldn't be in that day because I had leaned against the gas heater, my skirt caught on fire, I burned my ass and I was in the hospital. It was an entertaining injury in spite of being 2nd and 3rd degree burns. One of my favorites was telling people I just had to prove I was a flaming asshole.

445. I can't make it to work today because there is a bowling ball stuck under my car! (True Story)

446. A good one for the day of presidential elections is: "I had to go an do my duty as an American and VOTE!

447. One night a group of six girls went out to celebrate a birthday. Instead of a few drinks and dinner, it turned into a very late night. So all six decided that they were going to play hooky the next day and had the most responsible and serious sounding of the girls call each girl's boss and give the story that everyone, except this girl had food poisoning and she was at the hospital waiting for everyone to get their stomach pumped and that none of them would be in including her. Of course it worked, but now as I think back, if I were a boss and got this message at 3:45 am I would be a little suspicious. (Oh what a night though!)

448. I have this on a pin that I occasionally wear to work. "Sorry I'm late but f**king off takes time". With luck the boss will laugh and forget their question.

449. This one got me a week off - I got drunk on Friday night and fell asleep on a football field with no top on. I woke up extremely sunburned and now I am passing blood.

450. A good late for work excuse, if you drive to work..... A Porta John truck, the kind that looks like a flat bed for cars, had hit a massive pothole and some of the johns fell off blocking off all the lanes on the highway when they shattered.

451. I was actually out in the parking lot the last two hours. A rabid dog wouldn't let me get out of my car.

452. A guy once called into work and said, "I can't come in to work today, my hand is still asleep and I can't seem to wake it up!"

453. I've only used two excuses that I got away with. My boss was really easy going and I had already submitted my leave for another job. I decided not to go in one day and he called and I said, "Look, I can't come in today. My hair is on fire.", he said, "Well can you come in soon?", I said, "I'll see if the grape juice in my fridge will put it out." The next day I didn't go again, and he called me, I said, "I'm not coming in today, I slept in." He said, "Are you ever coming back?" I said again, "I don't feel like it, but since you're paying me, maybe I'll be in tomorrow." I never got fired :-)

454. I had an employee call in on a cold day, with full sunshine and a breeze and tell me he couldn't come in because his tires on his car were froze to the ground!!

455. One day a coworker at a grocery store showed up three hours late, and nobody answered when the boss tried to call his house. When he finally got there, he said that he had overslept and hadn't heard the alarm clock or phone because he'd been in line all night trying to get concert tickets. It worked!

456. THIS IS 100% TRUE I am a lazy person and one day a number of years ago I took a day off from work. On returning to work the following day I was asked why I had been off. To which I replied; "I slept in and didn't wake up till 3pm," I lied. "I had a headache the night before last and I took 2 of my wife's sleeping pills by mistake instead of a couple of painkillers." My boss said that I must be telling the truth because no-one could think of an excuse like that.

457. I can not come in today, because my cat ran away.

458. One co-worker, when asked why he didn't call when he didn't show up for work the previous day said, "I couldn't remember the phone number." He'd only worked for us for a week.

459. On his first scheduled Saturday to open the office by himself, he called another co-worker and explained he'd gotten arrested for jumping off the Riverwalk in San Antonio the night before.

460. Another co-worker asked me to "please tell the boss I won't be in today - my flesh-eating bacteria is acting up again." He really just had a bad case of athlete's foot.

461. A woman that I work with is chronically late and usually will take off early. Those are on the days when she decides to show up at all. One of her excuses for being late was, "Well, I had to finish my daughter's homework.... " I have kids....I've done homework, but I don't DO MY KIDS' HOMEWORK!! sheesh!

462. To the boss for missing a days work: I'm sorry I wasn't here on Monday but I got so busy with things to do that when Monday came I thought it was Sunday, and since Sunday is my day off, I missed work!!

463. Several years ago I worked for the U.S. Postal Service as a supervisor. While I was overseeing the work several male mail handlers, one of the young men asked to be excused for the rest of the day. I asked him why. He said it was personal. I told him that if it was so personal that he couldn't tell me, no, he couldn't leave. He thought about this for a minute, then said " OK, My girlfriend is in the hospital. She just had my baby and I would like to go shopping for some things for the baby." I said well fine, that's nice, but you can do that anytime. He said, "Oh no, you see if I go now, when I'm suppose to be working, my wife won't find out about it." True or not? I don't know. I did let him off for originality anyway.

464. I won't be in to work today because my electric is off, and it's cold here without a furnace or lights or hot water. So I have to stay home till they fix it.

465. This actually did happen to me and I was not very happy about it and charged the offender for lost revenue. But I can recommend it for anyone and this is how it went. I walked round to my garage, which is about a 20 meter walk from my house, and this fool had parked his car in front of my garage preventing me from going to work. I phoned work and explained the situation and they didn't believe me. I started to kick the car impeding my getting to work and they then believed me and said it was fine.... great huh???

466. (*Over the Phone*) I won't be able to make it into work because I lost my voice.

467. I live with my sister and she uses my car to go to work. So I had arranged for a friend of mine to pick me up, only he forgot, so I had to call into work and tell them that he forgot to pick me up and since everyone was already at work I had to take a taxi.

468. Me: "Hi, Benny? I can't come in today." Benny: "Why not? You sick?" Me: "No. I just can't come in." Benny: "Okay." Inspired by "Office Work", a transcendental work of art.

469. I am sorry I can't come in to work to day for my wife/husband is a bitch/asshole!

470. Boss.... sorry can not make it back to work. I was driving down the street and a wall of water overtook me, my car floated away from me.

471. A guy used this one to leave work early: My wife left the window open and there was a beehive right next to the window and now she is freaking out because there are a bunch of bees in my house. I need to go home and take care of the situation!

472. My lock broke on my door and I can't come in today. I need to wait for the locksmith!

473. My kid threw something in the toilet bowl and it's all backed up. I need to wait for the plumber to show up and fix it.

474. One day an employee called out saying she had to have surgery for an ingrown toenail...the next day she called out because her toe was sore and she had to see the doctor.... the next day she came to work with a doctors note stating she could not work for 6 weeks..... all of this for an ingrown toenail!

475. I am going to be late because I have car trouble. My car isn't fast enough to get me there on time.

476. I can't sort fruit on the sorting table because I suffer from motion sickness.

477. I can't work today because I have a sore back.

478. I'm in the military and excuses are not tolerated but they like to hear what people come up with, one fellow worker has a little habit of being late(22 times in 2 years) well one day he had drove out in town (were in Tokyo) and he was far away and his car broke down on the highway ( he doesn't own a car) and he had to get it fixed. Well they were going to take to long so he rode the train at 4 a.m. to come to work ( trains don't start till 6 a.m.) and he got on the wrong train and fell asleep and woke up realizing he went the wrong way ( this man knows the trains like clockwork) and when he was asked why he didn't call on his cell phone he said it was disconnected. Well as he was leaving the office his cell phone rang, needless to say all the discrepancies got him into a little trouble. You'd think after 22 times he could come up with some kind of proof.

479. I didn't get my work done because I was too busy reading all of the excuses!

480. This kinda is pathetic and I am not joking, but this really happened to me. I had to call in sick one morning and tell my boss that I had a Grand Mal seizure that morning and was completely wasted, so I wouldn't be at work that morning.

481. I'm going to be late today, my windows were iced over on my van and I got in and started it and got the windshield wipers going. Then I got out and picked up the garden hose to break up the ice. When I tried to get back in my van, the doors were locked and my extra set of keys are in backpack in the van. I have to call Triple A to get my door unlocked!

482. I'm sorry I can't come in early at any time, because when I get up early my hands and feet swell!

483. I woke up really late so I was in a rush to go to my bus then my sprinkler system when on and I got all wet. So then I had to change and then my mom goes to work before I wake up so I called my grandma to pick me up but she didn't come till 11:00.

484. One of the ladies that works with my Husband wears a t-shirt to work I think is so cute..."I was out of sick days so I called in Dead..."

485. I'm calling in ugly today because if I come in I'm going to get really ugly with you.

486. We have a guy that we keep a list on and as of 1/16/01 we have 148 reasons he has had to miss work or take off early.....Some of his recent antics are.....He has to pack because he is leaving for Las Vegas....Then when he came back he took the day off because he overdid it in Las Vegas.

Other excuses include: Watching paint dry. His front door fell off. Someone at work coughed on him. He actually call in with an excuse of "Not that kind" we have yet to find out where this excuse is on our timecards.

487. I have a mate who is late everyday, and he has different excuses. One of them was, "Sorry I'm late, a tribe of Red Indians attached my car in the middle of a busy road."

488. Years ago when I was running the floor of a buffet this one girl called in. Her excuse was "I can't come in to work today. I got in a fight with my boyfriend, he punched me in the face and I was in short term comma. "They want to keep me over night." Later that night I went to a party and saw her there. Her knowing that I am in the position to have her fired or keep her job. She approached me and said to me. "If you tell that you saw me here I will beat you up so bad that you will want to kill your self with how ugly you will be." Well, needless to say she did lose her job. If she wouldn't have made the threat I wouldn't have said a thing, I was 16 once...LMAO

489. I can't come in to work today because of illness and fatigue. I'm sick and tired of my job.

490. I am not late; I am in fact 23 hours early. I did not come in yesterday because of diarrhea, I expect 23 hours of overtime!

491. My father (or pick a relative you don't care about) had an asthma attack last night and I had to take him to the ER. We were there all night and I just got in this morning...I'm in no condition to come in.

492. I'm running late because I'm locked inside my house. The doorknob on my front door broke and while trying to replace it I broke it even worse and now I can't open it at all.

493. I won't be in today because last night my roommate's ex-boyfriend kicked down my door and I have to watch my apartment until the landlord comes to replace the door frame because my door won't close.

494. A woman called in and said that her pastor would not allow her to work in an office with non-Christians. The owner was Jewish and the manager was pagan. No one bothered to try to talk her out of staying home (for good).

495. (Late for work for a second day) Sorry I was late again, but I bought a new alarm clock last night, plugged it into the wall and electrocuted myself. I past out and didn't regain consciences until now.

496. I used this one when I was young and daring (but I'm still creative): Well, I woke up late because I couldn't hear my alarm clock over my roommate screaming at me to wake up. Then, I was in such a hurry I forgot to call you to let you know I was going to be late. Then, still in a hurry, I got on the wrong bus, and now I have no idea where I'm at. I'll call back when I find somebody around here who speaks English.

497. This are a couple of work excuses that a coworker of mine used & got away with! "I won't be able to come in this week. I have to help my husband find a job." Funny thing is that we all knew that her husband had just walked off of a job (He was written up for going to the restroom). He had spoken with a lawyer who told him to file for either workman's comp. or unemployment.

The same woman missed a day of work the week before saying that she couldn't come in because her husband had diarrhea, so he couldn't watch their two year old. She uses her mother for her childcare provider!

498. My boyfriend got put in a drug rehabilitation in another state and I have to go to that state. No, I can't visit him but I want to be near him, so I can't work for you anymore.

499. I won't be at work today, actually I don't need any excuses. I'm an adult ain't I ?

500. I can't come in today. There was a terrible storm last night and it blew sticks all over my back yard. I have to clean them up. (this was an actual excuse made by a co-worker of mine.)

501. (This really did happen) I started my monthly, and was embarrassed to admit it to anyone so I asked my husband to call in for me, believing he would come up with a good one. He called and said, "Hi I am calling in for my wife, she is on her monthly and is bleeding, so she wont be in today." Needless to say I was fired the next day.

502. Actually used: "I couldn't come to work because I was cycling to work but fell down. Then somebody hit me in the eye and stole my bike." This person goes to work every day by bus!

503. A colleague of mine, who lives in a farm, called work one day and said that she was coming in late because someone let out their drove of cattle over night and she had to chase them back to the paddock!

504. I was late for work because the train had flat.

505. For being late: This actually worked. As I was leaving the men's room 10 minutes before starting time, my foot slipped on some organic matter and wouldn't you know it my foot got hopelessly stuck in the bottom of the urinal. Finally the foot came out and then the shoe came easily. I was yelling in there, didn't anyone hear me?

506. I wont be able to come to work today as my refrigerator door fell off its hinges last night and damaged my kitchen floor! And I will not be able to get it repaired till Monday.

507. My car is stuck in the snow with a flat tire.

508. I'm stuck at the mall with out a ride. (I would always use this excuse, and each time they would ask me, "How did you get there?".

509. I wont be able to come in to work today. I was masturbating while I was driving and I waved at a trucker and then I accidentally spilt burning hot coffee on my genitals.

510. This one is from Scotland and has worked on many occasions and it was, "I just could not be arsed!"

511. This is the easiest: "Oh, I'm sorry' I just didn't want to go that day." It doesn't make you guilty, and it's honest!

512. I wont be in to work today because on the way out the door this morning I tripped on my tackle box and fell on a case of beer...........sssoooooooooo!

513. Worker did not show up for three days. He did not call as required. Finally came to work saying that he had taken a new medication for high blood pressure which had caused his body to swell up so large that he could not get through his bedroom door. He was unable to call because his telephone was in the living room. He was able to come to work now because the swelling had gone down.

514. I cannot come to work today because while shaving my pubic hair I cut myself and am suffering extreme pain. Thank you for your understanding.

515. I was late for work one day and decided to tell my boss that the car wouldn't restart after fuelling it up. Because I work for a Motoring organization I knew she'd expand by wanting to know the problem so I'd say the Earth strap had loosened off. As I got out of the car I realized that if I'd repaired the car my hands would be dirty, and that the boss would be sharp enough to ask to see them, so I lifted the Bonnet (Hood - I'm Scottish !!) and rubbed my hands over the rocker cover to get muck on them, and went into my office and offered my excuse. Sure enough the boss asked why I was late and I told her - Earth strap loose, car wouldn't start. No problem. After about 10 minutes she came over and said, "If you'd been fixing the car you'll have dirty hands!?" To which I held them up and smiled. Yes! some times they really do have to get up out of bed earlier don't they! That's why SHE'S the Boss - the superior intelligence!!.

516. "I didn't call in yesterday because squirrels got in my attic and ate the telephone wires. I had to wait for the repairman to come and fix it, that's why I didn't come to work yesterday." That was a real excuse from an old co-worker. She was eventually fired!

517. To miss a day of work... "I had chapped lips." This one really worked, the foreman laughed so hard he spit his coffee. I didn't get fired.

518. I didn't go to work one day, the next day however when the boss asked me where I was I said that my wife was going to get pregnant last night and I wanted to be there when it happened.

519. We had a guy that would only work 4 days a week, the boss called him into the office and asked him why he was only working 4 days a week? The guy told him, "I can't make it on 3 days".

520. They were painting the lane lines in the street, and I could not make a left turn.

521. A co-worker who I thought had already used every excuse possible to miss work, came up with one I'm sure is an original and never heard before. She was on her way to work and the ashtray in her car fell out and cut her leg and she was not able to stand, but the good part is she did not call in just for one day but three!

522. I need the afternoon off because my one armed brother is flying in and he has two suitcases.

523. When I was working for the railroad, sometimes a crewman would call in to lay off for whatever reason. The best one I recall was early one morning an engineer phoned and said he had to lay off, "my sister just got hit by an airplane!" That is what I wrote down. That receive quite a comment from the supervisor later that morning!

524. I won't be in to work today because I took the wrong turn off the expressway and I am at Jones Beach.

525. I wanted to go on vacation for two weeks. During tax season at my accounting firm. So I called the owner and said I had been arrested and taken for tax fraud, and that they will release me in about 2-3 weeks. He felt so bad he gave me a bonus to cover lawyer fees.

526. I can't come to work because my cat died and I have to get the ashes from the vet. Also, my bird just died.

527. "I'm late for work because my son is wearing a tux to school today." This really happened! "I swapped cars with him because mine is nicer. When I started his car up the blinkers were stuck on. I wiggled the switch until they turned off. Then I couldn't get it to shift into reverse. Once I got it to shift, the brakes were grinding so bad that I didn't dare to drive very fast. I didn't want to drive very fast anyway because his gym shoes are in the back seat and they smell like the cat peed on them so I had to drive with the windows down all the way and if I went fast the wind would mess up my hair . It's the honest truth. I should sell the car. Want to go for a test drive?" My boss just smiled and shook his head.

528. My favorite excuse I used once; one day I missed work because my dog died. I came in the next day and said there was a death in the family. My boss say's to me who died? I said my dog died. Everybody started laughing in the office, then the big boss said, it's not funny, because you get attached to your pets, they are a part of your family. So if you want to miss a day of work, just say there was a death in the family.

529. I can't come to work today, because I had to go to the hospital last night after I blew my muffler and burned my lips.

530. A former co-worker of mine actually used this excuse. Needless to say...she doesn't work there anymore because of her lack of tact and the fact that she thought she was going to have a mental breakdown. But here was her excuse, which she left on her supervisor's voicemail: "I can't come into work today because I don't have any clean underwear." I wouldn't have wanted her to come in either!

531. Co-worker called in and claimed that the spring on his garage door was broken and he was trapped in his house. Consequently, he said would not be in that day,

532. An ex-colleague of mine didn't turn up for work one morning. When his supervisor calls him up to see where he is, and why he hasn't phoned in, he simply replies, that he thought he had but must have just dreamt phoning in.

533. A man at the printing plant where I work called in once with the excuse that while he was getting ready for work, his dog grabbed his hairbrush and somehow managed to escape his house and ran away with the hairbrush. He called in about 10AM-work starts at 7AM-and said he was still looking for the dog and/or the hairbrush. I never quite got that one. However, exactly a week later he called in saying he couldn't get there because he had painted the trim in the bedroom and it had not fully dried when he went to bed, so the door was stuck closed and he could not escape. No reason was given for why he had not succumbed to the fumes in the night, although they had obviously made him too weak to throw himself at the door in an attempt to free himself.

534. True story: I had to call in late to work one morning because I fell asleep with my glasses on. Being very near sighted, I couldn't drive to work (or anywhere for that matter) It took me well over an hour to find them on the floor under the bed!

535. Please excuse Andy from missing work this week. The reason was that he had a sinus infection and gave him medicine for it. So please excuse him for his absence.

536. I have two...both of which I have personally used successfully.

1.) I called in scared, "I'm afraid I can't come in today."

2.) I was hypnotized by a calendar. (it was hanging loosely on a wall tack)

537. I'm sorry I'm 10 minutes late getting to work today. It's because I was two hours late going home yesterday.

538. I used this excuse when I worked in a salon. While getting ready for work I managed to get four hair brushes stuck in my hair. I called in and explained what happened and said I'll be late getting in. My boss told me to come in and we will try to get them out. I said it will be hard for me to drive because they were in my face. Now women will understand how I could get four brushes stuck at the same time. Men just think of it as hair science gone way way wrong. MY girlfriend owned a salon down the street from my house and I told them I would call. She got the brushes out in minutes so she and I went to breakfast and caught a early movie. I called in five hours after the whole brush drama started and said I'm on my way. I walk in the salon and everybody turned to look at me and gasped, "oh my god what the hell happened" .I said, "sshheee ccoouullddnn'tt ggeett tthheemm oouuuttt. I had cut my waist length hair to about two inches off my scalp. My boss felt so bad for me he gave me my Friday pay and the weekend off. What they didn't know was that I had planned to do something drastic anyway. I was nineteen and six months pregnant and didn't give a damn. This really happened.

539. This is a good one if your female: "I'm not coming into work today I have my period and I might kill you." (works well if the boss is male!!)

540. I had an employee call in with the excuse that her tongue was too swollen to talk. She had had her tongue pierced and it was too painful to come to work. My other favorite is an employee who called in with vaginal spasms. I laughed for a week with this one-sadly, she considered it a serious medical condition.

541. Well I live in Arizona and we have lots of spiders here during the summer. One day when I really really didn't feel like going to work I decided to tell my boss that I had gotten a spider bite on my foot in the middle of the night and couldn't walk. It was the perfect excuse because by the time I had to go to work again the spider bite (if it was real) would have gotten better, and my boss had never heard that excuse so of course they believed it!!!

542. If my boss ever reads this he'll know who it came from, but it's just too funny not to share. My boss's excuse for not coming to work: "I stepped on toothpick this morning and will not be able to make it in today." .....(I can't make up things like this!)

542. I could not come in/ was late for work today because I was filling out some applications for better, higher-paying jobs.

543. I have to leave early today because my socks won't stay up. (true story used by my boss)

544. I am a female and I work with about 50 guys. I didn't want to come in one day so I called them and told them I had sprained my UTERUS, they didn't know any better.

545. I'm calling in because I won't be in today do to lack of sleep you see I just got married and we partied all night and I'm just a bit worn out and don't want to fall asleep on the job.

546. For the disgruntled employee:

To Boss/Supervisor: I can't come in today because I will kill you if I do.

547. When my husband attended U.S.C., I used to leave work and take him to school during my lunch break. After I dropped my husband off at school, and I got back to the car, the car would not start. I ran back to school and brought my husband back. He lifted the hood of the car, and noticed our brand new battery was missing. My husband walked up to the guard in his little house and demanded that he tell us who stole our battery. He pretended not to have seen anything. My husband then threatened to throw over his little wooden house. He got nervous and told us that a few rows down we would find some guys who had our battery. Indeed, they were there and they let us have the battery on the condition that we would not tell the police. Naturally, after all this, I came back late from lunch and the above was my excuse for being late.

548. (Phone call from airport) Sorry I can't come in today as the airline overbooked my plane and because they are busy over the long weekend the earliest they can fly me back is Tuesday evening.

549. Is it ok that I take the day off? I want to spend the day with my girlfriend. I need to spend some time with her.

550. Someone from work called this in:

Day 1: While cleaning one of my contact lenses last night I accidentally tore it. Unfortunately I have no spares, but they called a couple of days ago with my order. I am going to stop by and pick them up on my way in. They open at 10am so I will be in shortly after. (she did not make it in and no one heard from her).

Day 2: As luck would have it after 3 hours at the eye doctors yesterday I have to put antibiotic drops in my eye and wear a patch for the remainder of today. It appears I scratched my eye while taking out the contact lens. As a precaution the doctor looked at my eye when I went in. I have been advised to keep putting the drops in for the remainder of today, every 3 hours and keep the patch on until tonight. She recommended staying home in order to avoid any strain on the uncovered eye.

551. I saw my mother's new boyfriend on America's Most Wanted and can't come in because I have to warn her and the FBI.

552. I'm sorry I am late, I was trying to come up with a good work excuse.

553. Hey boss...you wont ever believe why I'm late! This huuuuge hippopotamus, and his family were in the middle of the road and there was no way to move them so we had to make detours and go miles out of our way. I'm sorry sir, I will never be late again.

554. Please excuse me from missing work today. You see, I was driving home from the gas station and McDonald's last night and I guess I forgot to put the gas cap on my tank and it was leaking on the road...well I had my window down and I was lighting my cigarette and I threw the ash out the window...so I guess you know what happened then? Well...the gas got on the car behind me and so did the ash and it started a huge fire so I slammed on my brakes...(my brake lights are out and I need some new ones) so the guy behind me didn't know I was going to stop and we had a collision and now we are both here in the hospital chatting...so maybe I can come into work tomorrow. Sorry for the inconvenience.

555. "WELL I was out having some drinks with old buddies when I took a sip of Gin & tonic and accidentally bit down on a piece of ice and chipped my tooth". "I have to go to the dentist to get it repaired cause it hurts when I eat now."

556. This is the dumbest excuse ever, I can't believe he thought this would be convincing...especially when he sounded just fine. I'm not sure who this guy was, he didn't work for our company, but I had a voicemail from him saying he wouldn't be coming into work since he drank a whole bottle of cough syrup. He said he didn't know he was only supposed to take a tablespoon of it, and realized it after the fact. He also said he went to the doctor and the doc said he would be fine, he just needs to sleep it off for a while.

557. "Sorry, but I won't be able to make it in today. My girlfriend's former bi-sexual lover just called, and is on her way over. You don't expect me to work today, when I can stay at home and watch them, do you?"

558. l work nights and my girlfriend called and said that she was really horny and asked if l could come home early. So l acted like l crapped my pants and my boss sent me home.

559. Sorry I'm late this morning boss. Last night I gave my girl friend a break from her dogs and they spent the night at my house. Well this morning while I was getting the dogs in my van, one of them bolted out of the open door and started running up the street. I got in my van and chased him around the block three times before I could get him back into the van and to my girl friends house.

560. A co-worker phoned in to say she would not be in to work because she could only find one of the shoes she wanted to wear that day. She did admit to owning over 30 pairs of shoes. She got away with it too.

561. Phoned in late because Psycho ex-boyfriend got in my garage and let the air out of all four tires!

562. I had too many late days on my record so I had to miss the whole day instead. I phoned in 2 hours late and said my suicidal uncle that is living with me is a diabetic and did not come home all night. I needed to be out looking for him and did not have time to stop and phone in earlier. This really did happen. I just did not know about it until I woke up late. The missed day was not counted against my attendance, counted as FMLA instead. I did not know this until a month later. I could have phoned in an extra time if I knew that one did not count against me.

563. I will be late for work because my automatic garage door opener broke and I can not get my car out of the garage. (this really did work) The next day when I did finally show up, I said I could not get the garage door company over to my house until it was too late for me to work my shift.

564. If you're late, just say, "Sorry I was late, I was having my period." If you're a girl, no one will ask. If you're a guy, NO ONE WILL ASK!

565. This one was actually used by my friend: "Sorry I'm so late, a squirrel got into a power transformer and knocked out the power on the whole street causing my alarm clock to lose it's time."

566. I am calling in blind. I can't see myself coming in to work today. Didn't work, I was reprimanded.

567. A co-worker of mine once called on a Sunday afternoon and explained that he Wouldn't be there for his evening shift because he had to get a shirt tailored.

568. My friend who now lives in California always seem to come up with the best excuses. She would actually get away with them, too!! She was always, always late. Every day she was late but this particular morning she had a good excuse which was completely untrue. She came in to work and told her boss that when she went out to unlock her car the key broke off in the lock and she had to wait for a locksmith to come out. She was 5 hours late to work. She was also the type who would call in sick and tell you every gory detail about her extreme diarrhea or her heavy period or the puss oozing from an infected sore. She had no pride. Whatever it took to get out of work she'd say it or do it. She's my hero!!

569. I had a coworker who called in to say he would be late to work because he had an appointment to have his dog washed and coifed at the local pet store. From that time on, any time some one would call in late we would say, "Oh, having your dog washed?"

570. "I can not come in. The barometric pressure is too high."

571. I called in with this once after a night of $1 shots (Canadian) and 10 cent wings, in retrospect guess I was still tanked. "I can't come in today...my roommate got drunk, locked himself in the bathroom and drank a bottle of nightquil (sleep inducing cough syrup). I gotta drive him into the hospital now that we found him". They didn't sound like they believed me but I didn't get in trouble.

572. True story. I called into work a few times saying that I couldn't hear and wouldn't be into work today. Only works if you got hearing aids =) (True Story).

573. Due to lack of interest, I will not be in today.

574. I was late this morning cuz, "I ran after an injured squirrel for 1/2 block on the street. The squirrel darted up a tree when I got within 2 feet of it, so the squirrel must have been ok:"

575. I will be late today because it is raining and I don't have a hydroplane.

576. I am too sad to work today!

577. I am an employer, but I really enjoyed your page! My favorite excuse that I have ever heard from my employees is: "I can't come in today because I ran MYSELF over with my car last night!" Is that possible? 'Ya know what- it sure was! It really happened somehow!

578. Received a call from our company delivery driver stating that he could not report to work. He stated his reason, "My uniforms are in jail and I have nothing to wear." Apparently the evening before his girlfriend had gone to do laundry, was stopped for a traffic violation, had a warrant out, was arrested and the car impounded. His clean uniforms were in a basket in the back seat!

579. I can't make it in, I went out last night, I don't know where I am and I can't find my teeth. This was an ACTUAL call from an old drunk burned out woman at work. I have witnesses and can provide statements! *laughs*

580. I can't come to work today... I can't find my shoes.

581. "I have to leave work early because my mothers bad knees locked up on her in the middle of a busy intersection and she is stuck in her car in the middle of traffic."

582. This was used on the Friday before mothers day: "I'll be late for work because today is "Mexican Mother's Day" and I have to call my mom and a bunch of Aunt's in Mexico."

583. I used this for not starting a new job at a restaurant. I had a friend call in to the new job and say she was my sister. She said that I had to be committed to a mental hospital and that I couldn't start the job. However, I would be out in a few months and if they wanted I could come work for them, but they would have to keep me away from knives. :)

584. This excuse is to go home early. I have been using it since High School days. I got my period so bad that it gone through my clothes and I have a huge mess.

585. I had a woman call me with this excuse: "I'm not going to be at work tonight, because I'm just too Bitchy." If you knew her, you would know why I excused her. I also overheard my friend call in stupid once. He said, "I can't come to work because I'm just stupid." He was fired.

586. Diarrhea is always a great excuse, but I have found that spicing it up can be even better! "I have the most awful diarrhea, with unbelievable cramping, but the worst of it is, I'm passing huge amounts of blood!" This is guaranteed to get you loads of sympathy.

587. I can't come in today. My car was repossessed while I was sleeping! (true story)

588. I have an employee that never seems to run out of excuses for missing work. But I think the best one I ever got from him was when his wife called me and told me that his dog was in the Vets office and that he was just to grief stricken to make it to work the following day. This man is 40 plus years old, I know we all love our pets but to me this was a little over the top, I would have rather had him lie and told me he was sick.

589. I have been having repeating problems with my garage door opener not closing and as I was getting ready to leave today it won't close at all. I have tried to use the manual pulley but it won't come loose either. I really don't want to leave the house with it open like that. I have placed a call to the company that installed it and they are going to try and get a tech out here today. With this in mind would it be okay if I telecommute today? She never made it in and didn't telecommute as e-mails and pages went unanswered.

590. "Remember when I called out all of last week to go out of town due to my cousin being in the hospital because of a car accident? Well I need this week off because I came home and got a call to find out that as they bay-flighted my cousin to the hospital, the helicopter crashed and now he really needs me. He is in real bad shape." ( My cousin actually used this to play hooky for almost two weeks!)

591. The front door lock to my apartment has been sticking for a while and today I can't get it to work at all. I can't leave the apartment unlocked until building management's handyman gets here to fix it.

592. I had just started with a new electric company and woke up so late for work once, I decided rather than calling in sick this late, I'd come up with a real good story. Here goes: I told my supervisor that I was very ill all Sunday. When my room mate came to wake me Monday morning for work, I told them to call in for me because I was still ill. Well, not knowing what company I worked for... they went to the laundry basket and pulled out one of my old company shirts from my previous job. In turn, calling my old boss and telling him I wouldn't be in and to call if they needed to speak to me. Meanwhile I assumed everything was ok. This explains my not calling or coming in to work and not thinking anything was wrong on Tuesday morning when I returned to work.

593. I called in from a parkway rest area. Me: I won't be in to work today. Boss: What's wrong? Me: Car trouble. Boss: What's the matter with your car? Me: It's going to Wildwood (an amusement park) and I'm in it. I went to work the next day like nothing happened, the boss never said anything.

594. I can't come to work today, I've got an atomic toothache.

595. I can't come to work today because I am suffering from ergophobia. (fear of work)

596. I went on a beach vacation and I am unable to come in because I have Sand Ticks (huh??). This is an actual excuse used TODAY!!!

597. A dishwasher at the restaurant I worked at called in work and he said his dog bit his girlfriend's kid, and he shot the dog in the head. He had to stay home to clean its head off of the kitchen floor.

598. On a Friday night my friends and I were at a bar toasting happy hour. At about ten o-clock being pretty toasted we decided to bring some girls back to my house (fully knowing we had to work on Saturday) so we are in the Jacuzzi still drinking the night away when I look at my watch and it's 3:35 am. I made it to work at 10:00 am (3 hours late still drunk from the night before) and I get the you need to grow up speech. My friend makes it in about 11:30 and and she asks him what happened. He looks directly at her and says, as excuses come, I know you heard them all and I ain't goin to lie to you. I Got abducted by aliens. She just cracked a smirk and that was it.

599. This actually happened to me. I slipped and fell in the shower and banged my jaw against the tile ledge and had to go the emergency room. Nothing serious, but I couldn't talk 'cause it hurt like hell. I was working in customer service at the time, so my job involved talking on the phone. My wife had to call in for me. No one believed me the next day.

600. I used to commute to work (an hour each way) for 7 months over a mountain chain and I had been complaining of ear aches from the constant pressure changes. So one Wednesday night my friend and I got smashed and made out with a couple of American navy boys and didn't get home till after 6 am. I called my boss to tell him that I had to go to the clinic to have my ear's checked.

With the same job I had another job interview, called my boss and left a message saying I wouldn't be in the next day as I was feeling fluish. I showed up the day after, played the company messages and heard him on the line saying he was going to be gone that day as well. So he never knew I was gone and I never let on.



601. I'm calling in with stomach problems, I can't stomach working today.

602. Took this call from a co-worker on a 10-hour shift: He called two hours before the shift, "I'll be in two hour late." Three hours later, same employee, I'll be another two hours late." Then called in half way through shift, "I'm not coming in tonight." The person was at a BBQ two hours distance from work and kept deciding to stay. Supervisors never did do anything about it.

603. A co-worker called off because her horse was ill and she had to take care of it, even though she was a co-owner of the horse with three other people.

604. I worked with a woman who lived a bohemian lifestyle on a farm. She often called in sick but her best excuse was: She said her horse had been bitten on its penis by a snake and she was therefore far too traumatized to come to work!

605. I used this one last summer when I wanted a few days off: "Sorry I can't come in today and cook, I was standing on my bed trying to reach my shelf and I lost my balance, fell off the bed and landed onto the rounded metal end of the TV cable cord and I had 10 stitches put into the bottom of my foot."

606. True story.... A girl I use to work with called in sick one day because her butt was burned. She said she went tanning naked and couldn't sit on it.

607. I had a guy come into work one day for about 30 minutes. Started his job, decided to walk across the street to the gas station and proceeded to call me at work and say that he couldn't come in - he was sick! Needless to say - I fired him!

608. Say Your stepmother's uncle passed away and you have to be there for your dad in another state.

609. Sorry boss, I won't be in tomorrow. Last night I ate chicken at the local KFC store and contracted food poisoning. I have had diarrhea and have been throwing up all night and I'm sure I won't be in any shape to come to work tomorrow.

610. A former coworker called in to say that he had a strange reaction to his acne medication which was preventing him from coming to work. He was in his late 20's.

611. Actually Used And Worked... "I cant come in to work today... its Friday the 13 and I'm really superstitious."

612. Well... right now I feel like ass... I went home and ate a couple of hamburgers in the fridge that I thought my roommate had grilled out for dinner... turns out he cooked them three weeks ago and had just rearranged the refrigerator..... to clean it out today.... so .... food poisoning on top of a hangover is a lot of fun!

613. I worked in a produce section of a supermarket, and called in sick saying the I hurt my back yesterday, so I can't come in to day!

614. A coworker of mine didn't show up for work one day when the boss called to find out if he was coming in he said hold on one minute let me ask my mom after a few second he state "my mom said no" and hung up.

615. I once worked at a car dealership where we had a manager who was notorious for being late and/or not showing up at all. Over time he became very creative with his excuses, but as he ran out of ideas he became sloppy. One day he was calling in late, or sick (I can't remember which) and while he was on the phone with my manager giving his excuse he screamed a four letter word related to dung and then there was the sound of aluminum cans clanking around. A few seconds later he came back on the phone and said, "OH MY GOD! Did you hear that?!" My manager asked him what happened and the man replied that a bolt of lightning came through the phone line and knocked him back about six feet into a bunch of empty cans. (beer cans I assume) I am not a scientist, but I would assume that if that were to really happen,

a.) There would have been a loud cracking sound of some sort that both parties would hear.

b.) He wouldn't be able to hear within the next 1/2 day or more much less the next 3 seconds.

c.) the phone line would have been dead. Oh yeah not to mention he would probably be dead or unconscious by getting struck from lightning. To my amazement he showed up to work the next day and no reparation was given.

616. I had an employee give a whopper of an excuse after being gone for almost 2 weeks. He came into work with a bandage on his head. When questioned he stated that he was in a very bad car accident, and his brain had swelled. He stated that he had a hole drilled in his head to relieve the pressure. When asked about the lack of IV marks in his arms he stated that they did not have to give him an IV while he was in the hospital. He informed me that his doctor told him that he needed to take three weeks off to heal. I told him to take his tools with him and not to come back. I called him at his new job the following week to request his uniforms back. He sounded fine.

617. When I was in college I worked maintenance for the dorm I lived in when I wasn't in class. One morning I was getting ready to leave for work when my door wouldn't open. I called my boss and told him I couldn't get out of my dorm room. He didn't sound like he believed me (can you blame him). He came up 15 minutes later and got my door open. Seems someone had put pennies in the space between my door and the door jam putting so much pressure on my door it wouldn't open. He finally got them dislodged and apologized. Seems I wasn't lying after all.

618. I actually (and honestly) used this one: Boss called in wondering why I hadn't shown up for work. I told him that I forgot I was working and was having a huge party at my house. "I cant work because no-one else will make sure the carpet stays clean," was the cherry on top of the cake. (probably wouldn't work for a 9-5er. Also Australia has very worker-friendly termination of employment laws!)

619. I am a staff worker in a hospital. I've heard a lot of excuses over the past 18 years. One of the best (worst?) excuses came from a woman that called frantically to say, "I won't be in to work today because my dog has to have emergency cataract surgery!" I said "Cataract surgery isn't even emergent in people!" She said "I know, but he also has glaucoma!"

Another good one... Employee calls to say that they have a flat tire. I say, "Why don't you just change it and then come to work? Employee retorts, "My battery is also dead!!!"

Lastly, Employee calls in, "I can't get my car started. It won't even turn over." I ask, "What are you going to do?" Employee states, "I'm calling AAA". I say, "Well, give me a call when you find out when you will be here." She says, "What? I can't hear you?" I repeat it. She then says, "Wait a minute, I still can't hear you. Let me turn the car off." I say (with large question mark over my head!) "I thought you said the car wouldn't start!?" She replies, "It won't, but I have to turn the radio off." I say, "Well, if it won't turn over, the radio shouldn't be working." At that point she exclaims, "Oh, it's a miracle. The car just started!"

620. A co-worker of mine has more excuses for not coming in or leaving early. The latest one was that she had to drive to Chicago to bail her brother out of jail. Seems he was on a lay over there (he drives a truck) and he went to the bar and got drunk. He went back to the truck and left it running because it was hot and he needed the A/C to sleep. The cops knocked on the window and when he got out of the truck they arrested him for being drunk and impounded the truck.

621. My boyfriend and I both used this one to get out of work in the same day. We can't come in because our cats got on to the microwave, knocked over our utensils, and turned on one of the burners, the container that had the utensils on it landed on the burner and as it heated up it, our wooden spoons, and plastic spatulas caught fire. If my boyfriend didn't come home when he did, he found major smoke in our apartment. There was extensive smoke damage. The whole apartment building could of gone up in fire. It really happened got the pictures to prove it. Also both our bosses believed us, we needed the day to clean all of our stuff. What a mess, still cleaning.

622. I'm not coming in today because yesterday I was helping a farmer chop some wood and I got into a nest of spiders.

623. A female called her French boss Jacques at work and told him. "Hi Jacques, I am sorry but I will be running late today, the cat puked on top of my car and now I have to wash it. Sorry." :o)

624. Actual excuses used by a coworker: Couldn't get my taxes done because my computer broke down. He had been out of work 6 months prior to that date. Food poisoning, cap fell out, headache, sprained thumb and I'm not supposed to travel on the medicine. Best of All: I'm emotionally drained.

625. I can't come into work today because I just stared new medications for my insomnia yesterday and they made me really dozy so when I got up this morning I accidentally amputated my finger in the coffee bean grinder, so I have to go to the hospital before the ice melts which is keeping my finger alive.

626. I got some goop in my right eye and I rubbed it and now I can't open it, so I won't be in today!

627. The electricity is off at my place and my car is in the garage and I can't open it, so I'll be in after the electricity comes back on.

628. My kitty hasn't pooped in 5 days and is very constipated and I need to take it to the veterinarian to give it an enema!

629. I was in the service when this one happened. Mind you I was the king of excuses in my time and this was the Air Force. If I didn't have a 3 day weekend at least every other weekend I wasn't doing my part. On Monday this Airman did not show up to work. He did not call in either. Everybody wondered what had happened. His parent lived about 100 miles away so when he showed up on Tuesday he gave the Sargent a note from his mother asking that they excuse him for Monday, as he was not feeling well. All they did was yell at him for a little bit and let it go.

630. A lady I work with had to leave work because a large thunderstorm had hit her neighborhood and had caused a lot of damage. She calls in 30 minutes later and says that their neighbor (who works at the same company) needs help, so she will not be coming back to work. About a half-hour after the phone call the neighbor comes into work to get ready for her shift and is surprised to learned the she needs help. (The neighbor did not need any help!)

631. When I was 17, I worked at Burger King. My parents went on vacation to Hawaii, leaving me and my younger sister at home. I was out of school for Spring Break, and didn't want to miss any party time, so I had my sister call work and tell them that I had been arrested for DUI, that I was in jail in a neighboring town, and since my parents were out of the Continental United States, we had no money to bail me out! This worked for about four days, until a co-worker saw me driving down the street and told them, which led my boss to call all the jails in the county to see if I had really been arrested. Needless to say, I got fired!

632. "Please excuse me from work yesterday due to a vision problem. I just couldn't see myself coming to work." My chief actually gave me an excused absence due to my creativity.

633. Both me and my friend were working one day and we really wanted off so we told the supervisor that we gave each other herpes and we needed to go to he doctor.

634. True Story: I am in the Navy stationed in Italy and a few of my fellow sailors went up north to go skiing and so much snow had fallen in the night before they were to leave and come back to work that the only road from the small village was closed. Needless to say they missed 5 days of work while they were having the time of their lives skiing.

635. I would come in to work today, but I just don't like you.

636. A new guy at work walked out one day and said his dog died and he had to go burry it, he never returned.

637. On my way to work I had a car accident. This wasn't just any accident. I was running late so I had to hurry. I had to yield at the end of a street, a big bush was in the way so I couldn't see very far down the road. (There was no stop sign there.) Just my luck a big old pickup truck comes barreling down the road and hits me just as I barely yield. If it wasn't for the last very light snow on the street (just in that one spot) he wouldn't have hit me. He lets me use his cell phone to call into work. A hire-up employee comes out to the accident scene to see if I'm alright and I'm sure to see if it really happened. After all that I still can't go to work until my insurance agent opens up. That day I was about an hour and half late for work. This happened to me about 2 years ago.

638. I came to work at a 7-11 store late one day and told my manager that an airplane landed on the road and I stopped to help the people get out before fuel tanks exploded, then I asked if she had heard anything about it on the radio. She knew I was joking, but was not mad. The next night, I was working the 11PM - 7AM shift. My car broke down and my sister stopped by and picked me up at my house, we drove to her house and I used her car to go to work. On the way to work, there had been a car accident and the police stopped traffic in order to land a helicopter to take one of the drivers to the hospital. This caused a delay of about 35 minutes. When I got to work, I told the manager (yes, the same lady) that I had to stop for the helicopter to land, but she didn't buy it. (It really was true!)

639. I can't come to work today because my car Key broke when I turned it. I have to call the key makers to get another one. Works especially well in the winter.

640. After "working" all night, a co-worker told us, "sorry I didn't do anything last night, I got my nails done for a wedding next weekend and can't do ANY work for the next three days".... It worked and we had to make up the work that she didn't do.

641. My retired parents have taken a road trip to . Their car broke down near . They've cancelled their road trip and urgently need me to pick them up as the car is in the garage being repaired in .

642. Actually used: I won't be in today because I was out fishing and fell off a bridge, I think my arm might be broken.

643. Entirely true story - last month it was really hot here where I live, about 100 degrees. I went on my lunch break and right before going back in I thought I would put a little extra deodorant on. I kept the deodorant (the gel kind) in my glove box, and from the intense heat of my car being out in the sun all day it had melted to pure hot wax. I popped off the lid and spilt hot wax all over my arm and my pants. I rushed home and called in to tell them I would be late. They did not believe my story until one of my co-workers told them she had really seen me do it and speed out of the parking lot.

644. I had A real bad hang over, and had to be at work at 7:00am. I work in a nursing home their was no way I would be able to make it through the day. I had to have a doctors excuse or get fired. So I went to the doctors gave him all my symptoms which were vomiting, diarrhea, and a head ache. I just didn't tell him I was drinking. He gave me an excuse for food poising. Two days off work and a prescription. ALL FOR A HANG OVER!!!!!

645. A: I can't come into work today because the tranquility fountain I bought isn't working and is rreeaalllyyyy pissing me of right now.

B: Or I can't come in to work today because the tranquility fountain I bought is overflowing and flooding my house.

646. This was used by my boss: "My power went off at home so I have to go home and try to fix it."

647. I used to drive semis hauling lumber in Southern California. I came back late from a delivery one time and the dispatcher asked me why it took so long. I told him that my left turn signal didn't work, so I had to make all right turns. He never questioned me again. This is a true story.

648. Actual one given by a coworker: Have to leave now, I just remembered I left the iron on (on the floor) and I have to go and turn it off. (had been at work only 2 hours that day).

Another coworker started a weightlifting program the other day, and I think I pulled some muscles, my entire body is sore, and I can't get out of bed!

649. I couldn't come into work today due to the fact that my eye lids were stuck together because of so much cold in them. By the time I got them open it was already 10am and I'm due at work at 8:30am, so I just took the rest of the day off.

650. "I won't be into work today because I have a broken finger nail and a sprained eyebrow."

651. My co-worker put in a request to take a couple of vacation days or at least not work nights because his parents are going out of town. He is 20 years old and has no siblings, why does he need off? His dogs, he has to baby sit his dogs. They sleep all day but he has to be there at night to be sure they don't tear the house up. The bad part... we are the managers of a fast food joint, so he is a boss and never accept an excuse from an employee.

652. I used this one AND it's true. Not being an American citizen I have a green card (they're actually blue), and, as anyone who travels a great deal knows, you MUST have your green card on you to re-enter the country, but not to leave. Simple enough, until I went to Puerto Rico. Knowing that Puerto Rico is an American colony, I foolishly assumed that I wouldn't need my green card on this trip. Upon arrival at the airport, to return home on a Sunday, someone noticed that I have an accent and asked if I was an American citizen. The rest is pretty obvious, I answer no, get asked for my green card, I answer no again, then get told I'm not allowed on my flight back to America. I soon realize that I'm stuck in paradise, so I'm not too upset. I call my boss on Monday and tell him what's happened, explaining that my brother has now got to get my green card, mail it to me and I have to find another flight home, so it'll probably be 3 or 4 days before I'll be back at work - let's just make it next Monday to be on the safe side. Don't know, or care, if he believed it. This excuse WILL be used again.

653. I can't come in work today as my Gran has taken a turn for the worst and keeps on calling me Rupert, I am very upset!

654. I lost my American Express card and just can't leave home without it. (an old AM commercial)

655. A women I work with called in sick because she had a pimple.

656. A man I work with called in one day saying that while driving to work he realized his shoes were to tight, so he turned around and went home. Once he got home he noticed that his armpits were really sore.

657. I won't be in to work today, someone stole my steering wheel last night and I have to call the police.

658. I used to have a tiny little yap-dog who would dart between my legs while I was trying to walk. One day I was late and ran down my hallway in two-inch heels. The stupid dog, of course, ran between my feet and I stumbled trying not to step on him. My foot didn't stay on the sandal when it fell sideways, and I broke my foot. I had to call in to work saying that I fell off my shoes.

659. My boss of the time was the biggest excuse inventor of all times. He always had an excuse for not coming to work: He was waiting for a repair man, his car wouldn't start, his roommate's car rolled into his in the drive way, his back hurt, his knee hurt, etc, etc. So one Tuesday I called in to work to take the day off because I had rolled my car over the night before, spent 6 hours in the emergency room getting X-rayed and having fifteen staples put in my head, and so couldn't make it in today because of all things I had to get done. He said if I rolled my car how come I was out of the hospital yet? Obviously he didn't believe me so that Wednesday when I came back to work, I had great satisfaction in showing him the pictures of my upside down, smashed in car, the really gross staples in my head. It was a few months before he called in with a hurt this/hurt that excuse for himself.

660. This is totally true. I called in one morning to tell my boss I wouldn't be in because during the night a tree limb had fallen off the oak tree right outside my kitchen window and was leaning against my trailer. I had to cut the limb in pieces before I could get it off. That thing was over thirty feet long and it took me and my dad all day to cut it up and move it. It was within inches of smashing my trailer! If you think this was just an "excuse", believe me going to work would have been easier!

661. I met my best friend at the gas station one morning on the way to work, and since I know she starts work an hour earlier than I do, I just had to know her excuse. She said she has her alarm clock set to a radio station and when it turned on that morning the radio station was off the air, so there was nothing to wake up by!

662. Sorry I'm late my dog got eaten by an alien jelly fish and we had too go too the flying saucer too get it back. (I have actually heard this one used)

663. (To be used when you want to leave work early or stay home and preferably used by a teen.) I'm having some relatives over and my parents are going out and they said if I don't stay home/go home and watch their kids while they're gone I get my car taken away. It works really good trust me!

664. I will not be in to work today as I am taking my cat in for a sex change operation.

665. I couldn't come in to work I had 24 hour cancer/aids.

666. I actually heard this from an employee in 1988 while working in Wisconsin. It is the best excuse I have personally heard in my career: "My pig died last night and I have to dress it out before it rots."

667. "I will be two hours late today. I have taken a laxative and I must wait for it to cool off."

668. One employee of mine no showed and when asked the next day why he didn't show up, he claimed to have left a message on our answering machine which would've been great if we had one!!!

669. Here's one I used jokingly but the boss actually took me seriously! "Sorry I'm late for work. I witnessed an accident and had to give a statement."

670. I once had an employee tell me that the reason she was late was because she got almost to work and realized the cat was on top of the car and she had to turn around and take it home.

671. An excuse I have actually used.... I missed work without calling in (a big no-no) and when confronted I told my boss (a female) that I woke up and found a rash on my testicles and that I was freaked out that I had a disease that I went to the doctor and I was too embarrassed to call in with that reason. Her face was so red after I said that, no one questioned why I wasn't there!

672. Really good excuse for New Mexico residents, Southern Colorado residents, Southeastern Arizona residents or Southwestern Texas residents. (excuses intended for the no call in, no show, couldn't call to tell you reasons.)

I went to Roswell, N.M. on a mini vacation, and was abducted by aliens. I had no control over my ability to function, for I was at the mercy of aliens and couldn't call or contact you. (1 or 2 day excuse, not calling in to inform boss.) Then, I was admitted into a mental hospital/ institution for a couple of days and they do not allow any outside calls. Then I was released, but the FBI got involved and you know them, they won't allow you to contact outsiders or talk about sensitive top secret info with anyone but them. (3 to 7 day excuse, no call in excuse. Usually good to use this excuse if you were planning to not go back to this job, got other employment or was looking for other employment, and then for your own reasons, decided you wanted to work there again (other job didn't work out or couldn't find another one in enough time ? huh?.)) I probably won't be in tomorrow either, or most likely never, because once the Feds. find out I told you, they will take me back into custody and hold me for sometime for leaking top secret info to you, and then I probably will be placed in prison or they will force me to change my identity and place me in some other state so their top secret secret of aliens really do exist, will not get out, for the USA could not handle this magnitude of reality, and our country would fall into total panic and hysteria, if they found out!!!!!!!! (permanently gone, never coming/going back to job.)

673. I am the manager of a Network Operations Center that is open 24 x 7 x 365. I am on call all the time, so if someone calls in sick... I'm lucky enough to get a phone call in the middle of the night. The best excuse I ever heard for not coming in to work came from a guy we were about to fire anyway. I answered the phone from a sound sleep and heard a frantic voice on the line. " I can't come in to work tonight because I was actually on my way to work and I had to pull over to the side of the highway because I saw a UFO. Really, I saw a UFO! And it's still here and I think it's coming after me." I informed UFO-boy that unless they abducted him, he better get his butt into work. He didn't come in that night because he was "too upset." But he did come in the next day... to be promptly let go. I haven't seen him since so I'm hoping they came back for him.

674. A friend of mine had a rather bovine excuse; "I can't be in at work today because I have to help the state troopers get my cows off the highway!"

675. I used to work with a girl who was always calling in for some reason or another. Here are three of my favorites, several times during the course of a month she hit a deer on the way to work (never in her own car). She also called in to say that her hot water heater had blown through the roof (her husband is a plumber, remind me never to hire him). Her neighbor's niece is sick (huh??).

676. There's a sinkhole in my driveway and I can't get out.

677. I'm pinned down by gunfire and I can't make it in.

678. Actually used by a female employee of mine. "I can't come to work today because I wiped myself with colored toilet paper and I got a yeast infection. I don't want to be at work scratching my crotch all day.

679. My husband probably has kidney stones and I need to take him to the hospital because he is in a lot of pain.

680. I work at pottery barn as a sales rep and I always need to keep up my appearance while working there to make the best impression on customers. Well, one night I wanted to go to a concert instead of working so I called in and said that while I was walking my dog I got sprayed by a skunk and that they probably didn't want me to come in that evening.

681. This actually happened: A girl was late for work and her excuse was her husband took the alarm clock jogging.

682. (For a job that drains you): "I'm sorry, but I sprained my spirits and need to stay home and keep them elevated!"

683. (True story) We found a baby deer in our driveway and I had to stay up all night taking care of it.

684. While managing a restaurant I had a waitress call in to tell me that she would not be in. Being the concerned boss I asked her why. She told me that her ovaries were swollen and very painful. About a week later I found out the truth. Her boyfriend had just come back after being out to sea for 6 months.

685. I live in Alaska and a co-worker who liked to backpack into the mountains to camp during the winter gave this excuse for being late on Monday morning: "The weather changed last night and I had the wrong wax on my cross-country skis."

686. I got sprayed by a skunk and I can't come in to work today.

687. Years ago I worked in lower Manhattan in a Federal Government office. Best excuse for not coming in I heard was from a man who said; "I can't come in today because my monkey died during the night and I need to arrange for his funeral. " About 3 or 4 days later the same man; " I can't come in to work today because my cat's acting crazy and I think my monkey might have bitten her before it died."

688. I have actually used this one on more than one occasion: My security alarm company called and said my alarm is going off at my house. I have to run home and wait for the police to fill out a report. It works especially well if you don't live near your office.

689. My boss left work one day (after being there for about 45 minutes) saying that his girlfriend just called. Their dog had fallen into the lake and didn't know how to swim. It was true, and he was obviously freaking out, but we all had a good laugh.

690. A girl from work called in Friday and said, "I won't be in Saturday and Sunday due to my arthritis not letting me even sit down.... but I will be well enough to come back Sunday.

691. " I won't be able to come in today. I took my hair off to wash it and my daughter picked it up while it was drying. Unfortunately, she went to school already and I can't imagine where she put it."

692. Once an employee of mine chose a really unique way of quitting--she vanished. After a few days of not hearing from her and not getting any answer when calling her, I went to her apartment and knocked on the door. No answer. I got really worried and even phoned the police. They told me I couldn't report a missing person unrelated to me, but they went and knocked on her door anyway--no response. About two months later she came in to my store and explained. She'd been too depressed to get out of bed for three weeks. I didn't rehire her.

693. I didn't wake up on time this morning--I had a dream that I was running from my alarm clock to my cell phone to my watch, because I heard this annoying alarm sound going off, but none of the three was actually going off; as I'd get to one it would sound like one of the others was going off. Then when you called my house phone it woke me up and there was my alarm clock buzzing away. I'll be in as soon as I can. --True story, and it worked because I'm NEVER late and NEVER miss a day.

694. I can't come in today, because my 2002 Nissan Altima won't start.

695. If your alarm goes off in the morning and you realize you haven't slept well, the morally correct thing to do is start fresh right then and there and do it over. Just stay in bed and keep at this sleep thing until you're sure you've gotten it right. If this makes you late for work or school, you should tell the person in charge, "Hey, I was trying to sleep last night, but between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. I just didn't get the job done. In order to make up for that non-productive sleep hour, when it got to be 7 a.m. I forced myself to stay in bed and go the extra mile to make up for lost time. It wasn't easy, but it seemed like the responsible thing to do."

696. This is one I used about 2 weeks ago when I called in late for work. I get out of school about 30 minutes before my start time at work and I am at least 30 minutes from work. One day the line at Starbucks was bad (I know we didn't have to stop but I was in major need of caffeine) and so we were running a little bit late. My mom (who is the queen of excuses), called up the lady who does scheduling and told her this story: "Sorry we are running late but I couldn't get on Amanda's school campus. They had a planned gang confrontation so they had a full lock down for 15 minutes with police cars and everything! They wouldn't let me on campus or her off campus without i.d." and the woman my mom was speaking to believed it!! Not only did I get excused for being late... but I got my extra incentive bonus that I would have gotten for being on time!! I love mom!


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